You fall in love with them, they fall in love with you

When I was a little kid I would occasionally pack up some of my belongings, open my window and then hide in my bedroom closet. This was typically after a fight with my parents and my expectation was that they would open my bedroom door to apologize, find me missing with the window open and know I’d run away because…

They only use British women because they can’t have people saying “butt” in their ads, but they figure “bum” is a nice workaround to this problem.

Okay, I’ll be that guy. It’s excited delirium, not accidental delirium.

Great. I’m a maxi dress. And I just learned today that maxi dresses are fugly and no one should ever wear them. Sigh. Time to go to my specialized cry room.

Meh. Every room in my house is a specialized crying room.

I know a lot about men. I took to studying them so I could get the best of the best, which is reflected in my husbands profession.

This is not exactly a mom and pop operation. It's run by a couple of rich people who are getting richer by selling flavored mayo to the delusional Brooklyn masses.

Maybe it's just all the Mad Men I've been watching in preparation for the finale, but it seems to me that Calvin Klein would want to change it up. They've been doing the same young, anorexic, exhausted/bored model look for decades. It's time for some fresh creative, Calvin!

Okay, I'm gonna be that guy, but this is an important subject to me given my family history of breast cancer at an early age.

I didn't even notice it because I'm drunk on arsenic.

I live near Rochester, MI and it actually is pretty nice. I know Madonna has always tried to do the "I come from a tiny podunk town" thing, but people who know the area she grew up in laugh when she acts like she just had to get out.

Badger Cocoa Butter Lip Balm in either Mocha Cocoa or Creamy Cocoa flavors. I've been buying these for years because after trying every other balm under the sun this is the only one that left my lips feeling amazing, smelled great and didn't make me gag if I accidentally licked my lips (looking at you, Blistex Lip…

Badger Cocoa Butter Lip Balm in either Mocha Cocoa or Creamy Cocoa flavors. I've been buying these for years because…

I used to take one of Barbie's plastic boots, wrap it in toilet paper secured with scotch tape and voilà: a leg cast. Barbie had a lot of accidents.

So we basically just watched A Very Special Episode of Scandal.

Someone may have already posted it, but hell, you can't see it too many times

What's the point of posing for a cover nowadays if they're just going to photoshop away all signs of aging? If I were Madonna, I'd just tell them to use some pic of me from the 80s to save me the trouble of actually having to attend the shoot.

Good lord, people, it's from the 60s! I was born in the 80s and even I can recognize a 60s hairdo when I see it.