It kind of is like that except instead of pregnant I wound up with an unmanageable, dysfunctional, evangelical Bush. The ballots here in the birthplace of Chad, Dangling b2000, died 2004 (gone but never forgotten. Bow your head for a moment of silent meditation. medication? manipulation?) Any hoo-hah back to Pat.…

My rule with my niece has always (since she was around the time to ask for things) been:

Oh hell no.

The two women wanted me to just GIVE THEM to the kid. Like, to stop the crying and because they’re just charms and all. The mother was asking out of curiosity and once I ballparked the price of those two she started doing the math and wanted to know how much I’d spent on allllllll of them out of morbid curiosity I…

I have a child, and sometimes he wants something someone else has, and I tell him no. It’s not that hard. And on the (thankfully rare) occasions that he throws a fit about it. I apologize and remove. I can’t believe she was just like, oh, she’s really into that, how much did they cost?

Well. That's awkward and deeply uncomfortable, and fuck those people for suggesting you should give away something that means so much to you to shut up a whiny kid.

This is weird and I am suddenly extra grateful for my strange-yet-not-totally-bizarre offspring.

I am a ripe tomato.

Sorry, I believe marriage should only be between bottles of ketchup. All other forms of marriage are an abomination unto Grodd. Don’t get me started on catsup rights.

When I hand it to her, I tell her, “No charge for the extra blood!” She doesn’t even blink, snatches the package and leaves.

Dude, that necklace is adorbs.

Your name made you a shoo-in. I’ve been suffering from terrible guilt. You see I might have inadvertently voted for Pat Buchanan in 2000 so I owe Al Gore and his namesakes reparations. Plus you were team Lief so...

It’s probably the reason why I don’t have one! It’s as if The Man Upstairs looked at me and said

Ugh. Well I’m pleased for her then because she seems like a nice, smart and funny woman. I kept wondering why she was so upset with life & women specifically, but that all makes perfect sense.

Then he can go find them for himself!

Too soon.

Hah.

That’s why the gods invented cheese and other dairy products. I’m technically a pescetarian myself, but only eat fish every other week. Most of my protein comes from dairy products. (Not an alternative for people with any kind of dairy related allergy, obviously. In that case I would probably get meat back on my menu…

Glad to know it’s not just me. Omega 3 is basically the only supplement I’ve ever taken with any kind of regularity, but I just can’t with the fish burps anymore. The day I burped while sitting at the dinner table and my cat came running to smell my breath is when I said “enough is enough” to Omega 3.

It’s pretty stereotypical, but when I’m PMSing I can throw down on a couple Ben & Jerry’s pints if I don’t practice self control.