Most reliable pregnancy test available today, right up there with pissing on a key in a basin.

Either way, good luck to her with that corn kernel

Pout-scowl combo? More like, "I've almost got that damn corn kernel out"

"she inhaled a large portion of rich spinach and artichoke dip" in a restaurant, then "called a waitress over and asked for ribs — and looked crushed when the perplexed server told her they don't have them."

You're gonna need a bigger bootleg.

Welcome to the Internet. You must be new here.

eh?

Unfortunately for her, typical preserve-making methods only create a shelf life of 18-24 months.

So cute when their mouths are closed. So terrifying when they're up to snake wranglin'

it's clearly phallus day on Twitter.

Upcycle Miss Havisham's rugs! BRILLIANT.

At least his parents went to the trouble of naming him Nash Grier, obviously an overlooked John Hughes movie villain.

CT is far less "I"m Okay, You're Okay" and more "I'm Okay If You Stay Out of My Way."

A dropped waist, tea length ball gown? I'm sure this will look fabulous on absolutely everyone ever.

"It's boring and scary to talk about at school because kids just react how their parents react, saying how fucked it is that small children are capable of murdering their own friends, and if you say the wrong thing, you're like a monster, probably...People want to pretend it's evil so that they look good, and also…

Completely unrelated, but I just noticed that even seeing the word "Hobby" these days raises my hackles.

This sentence is like the Idiot Olympics: Verbal Hurdles.

I would prefer if only Matt Bomers wear short shorts, but perhaps that's just me.

yes