Joanie is at best ambivalent about Chachi now.

There’s only one thing to be done: trade him to the Pelicans for 9 conditional 2nd round picks in the years 2049-2057 with the condition that he change his name to N’Awlins.

Linus: I never thought he was a bad little center. He’s not bad at all, really. He just needed some attention (Peanuts gang surround and decorate him, step back)

Maybe he should apologize to eye surgery outpatient Mike Zimmer, who started three of ‘em on his offensive line.

If only there were a famous DeMarcus Brothers who had a troublesome cousin.

He should have stuck with the original title, After Mirth

It would be a very different world if the original Twitter business plan was followed: however, upyourownass.com was not available as a domain in 2006 and nobody wanted to refer to an individual posting as a “gaseous emission.”

Brock Osweiler. Steven Hawking. There’s a math-based serial killer on the loose and only this unlikely pair can stop him! Uncommon Denominators, coming straight to VHS, 2018.

McNair: We have three good quarterbacks going forward.. (Brandon Weeden’s face lights up) (McNair pauses, starts counting on his fingers) I mean two. Two good quarterbacks and some old ginger.

I am sure that this public spending to subsidize potential millionaire/billionaire owners will be accompanied by a bill to hunt ordinary (i.e. poor) welfare recipients for sport and organs.

Part Lyle Lanley, part Eric Trump.: maybe he can convince the populace that Peyton Manning supported this venture through his multitudinous audibles.

Somehow, I’m envisioning: “And as for your grandmother, she shouldn’t have mouthed off like that.”

Wow, it’s like I was there. Who needs this pricey VR system and the still-pricier “Intermissions at Easily Forgotten Hockey Games” software. Not me, that’s who.

If only our global climate could keep it this real

I categorically deny that David Irving had anything to do with the Cowboys’ win or even that he’s on the team. Put away your box scores and your videotapes, those can easily be fabricated.

After the game, Beckham. cribbed a line from Spider-Man..

Meanwhile, Aqib Talib was disappointed in his own play, leading to a bizarre recreation of the “Edward Norton beating himself up” scene from Fight Club.

Look, replicants haven’t made it as far as Roy Batty: they’re still cold, emotionless, and above all completely predictable and mundane.

(quickly jumps out, as it smells like 20 years worth of cigarette smoke collected in infrequently washed corduroy pants and tattered vests)

You’ve got it all wrong, Mr. President, the photographic portrait is supposed to advance in years and you’re supposed to stay the same age.