This thread will be to jokes what Carl Weathers was to stew.

Of course, this begs the question “Who DOES have the yellow phone under the cake dome?” My dark horse candidate: veteran character actor Clyde Kusatsu

Still doesn’t explain why he’s got the name of a preppie toff I went to high school with in the late 80s

Shots fired! (slight tittering at overused phrase) NO I MEAN IT

The person who invented the Dopey Star Wars Name Generator in the 70s must be a zillionaire by now.

Forget wars among the stars, we need more wars here on Earth, damn aliens taking all our warmongering jobs.

You know what would be more interesting than Richard Sherman saying something about a given topic? Richard Sherman saying nothing about a given topic! And to a reporter-directed question, no less! Oh, the Richard Sherman-related speculations we could entertain then!

I often wonder whether Chris Pratt is a star in the UK or his last name is just continually snickered at.

It didn’t help that when he first learned of the cyber-intrusion, he swatted his computer to the ground.

If we’re talking about navigating basketball-related alternate realities then I guess we’d have to call Dr. Ainge

I thought that his offseason training regimen was throwing rocks at pirates.

As long as they remain not hard not to watch, I think we’ve reached an amicable solution.

I’m sorry that only three of the fours teams listed are battling for the basement of their respective conferenes, the perfect once again is the enemy of the exceedingly bad.

You know what they say, it takes diff’rent strokes to grind the replies to a screeching, unfunny halt.

I don’t pay attention to low-lights unless they’re from at least the 9th division (or below) of whatever Euro-sport the content generator deems newsworthy, preferably where there is some sort of qualifier as to the composition of the league (over 75, paraplegic, hamsters)

While Pac-Man is going to the ‘scrip’ club, Terrell is going to the other scrip club (the pharmacy) to pick up his order of anti-depressants.

Thank God we’re given a second opportunity to watch things that have already occurred but on obscure outlets, think of the regrets we might have accumulated otherwise

After what Yahoo paid Mark Cuban back in the day to set this wild ride in motion, I’m pretty sure he’s permanently unable to accurately appraise anything.

We should all celebrate this golden age of unlimited prosperity from TV contracts by taking in the ESPN Friday Night Doubleheader, which opens with the Lakers/76ers and closes with the Jazz/Mavericks. THE BATTLE FOR THE 14th SEED RAGES ON.

It seemed the only way to make sense of the proceedings, plus we were mid-90s mostly-scumbags.