#RogerGoodellIsTheKindestBravestWarmestMostWonderfulHumanBeing as worn by dead-eyed Matt Ryan, benefiting the American Sock Puppet Foundation, fostering awareness that sock puppets are, in some instances, people too

As a King, shouldn’t he have sovereign immunity?

Christian Ponder (aloud, and drenched in self-pity) I must be the WORST quarterback in the WORLD.

As the descendant of a renowned beltier and sockier, I am insulted by the suggestion that one cannot become a phenomenon or be said to be phenomenal in those lines of work

So is this place offering family discounts on every can of Dr. Pepper or what?

I look forward to his confirmation hearings, which he will attend in pajamas and a comically oversized sleeping cap for the inevitable nap.

Put America to work; build a solar rocket big enough to house both teams and dispense with the meaningless game.

(keeps looking for the “It’s dogshit from a dogshit person” option for Kinja spam reporting)

(Deshaun Watson sees the play of the Browns and 49ers) (begins scouring the bottom of Deadspin comment sections for work at home testimonials and opportunities)

A Rage in Harlem called, Cam, it’s missing an extra playing a bouncer at a gin mill.

(first Giants play of the game, an incomplete pass, goes down) (no flag is thrown) (Beckham throws his hands in the air, froths)

Man we’re going to need to build some affordable housing to domicile all these blazing hot insights about obsessive, one-track thinking.

RIght now ‘85 Bears alumni are not looking so good as coaching material, unless you’re some toupeed Wal-Mart in-law who just moved his team to a disinterested Los Angeles.

“The Riverboat Has Run Aground”— when you’re out of contention in the AFC or NFC South (see also: Jacksonville), you’ve really shit the seasonal bed.

I got some black market Adderall, or BlackAdder for short (I like the bit where Stephen Fry chastises HUgh Laurie for pulling faces)

I’ll watch them tonight for sure, but don’t go toying with my expectations, they pretty conclusively extinguish them when they hired that failed re-tread.

Remember: the pagans didn’t take “The War on Winter Solstice” seriously until there were crappy Christians all OVER the damn place

Notable flaws: Absolutely no defense at all, apart from the two shots randomly blocked by Capela per game. A shitload of turnovers. Two people can create their own shot, and one of them is a slightly damp spot on the floor away from season-ending injury. Coached by Mike D’Antoni. Will not reach second round of…

Ebenzer Scrooge: Why have you brought me here?

I’ll always remember her as “younger Betty substitute”