In the interests of combating climate change and the vagaries of global fossil fuel pricing, have you considered harnessing this sock puppet circle jerk as a source of clean, renewable energy?

“17 years since September 11th” is something my dad would say while reading the paper over his morning Bran Flakes. I can’t believe this is the timeline we’re in.

Her use of the first person in that second sentence seems like a bit of a red flag.

“Just run the presses — print money,” Trump said, according to Woodward.

That chart is terrifying. Infant mortality is the most significant indicator of population health, followed closely by maternal mortality. An uptick in those numbers means that something is seriously wrong for everyone, not just infants and mothers.

I guess keeping busy is the best way to cope with being read to hell by your own uncle.

From your mouth to the American electorate’s ears.

You made me scroll back up to that image, for which I wish you a mildly unsatisfying lunch tomorrow. Having done so, though, I’ll bet you dollars to doughnuts that he and Giuliani use the same person. That demon-ridden cast about the eyes they both have has got to be the signature of the same haunted hand.

Don’t forget a crime.

The Evangelical martyrdom complex is odd. Any time anyone anywhere challenges their perceived right to theocracy, it proves their faith to them by fulfilling the prophecy of persecution in the end times. On the other hand, because they see their cause as the only right one, they can justify fighting back by whatever…

...they tell a story of a jury, first, confused by the terms “shell company” and “reasonable doubt,” then confused by how to fill out forms... 

Why does nothing fit? Why can I see everybody’s Spanx lines? How did we let this happen?

He’s serving up parent liaison to the prom committee, who’s just here to make sure everyone has fun and stays safe realness.

This salad is clearly being held against its will. The corn is running madly for the dim lights of passing cars on the highway.

He could eat his steak with fucking wall putty for all I care, if he could just pull it together and be a rational, functioning human being for three seconds, rather than a spoiled child in an ill-fitting adult costume.

I know this is peripheral, but Mama Cass died of heart failure. The “ham sandwich” story is a nasty little rumour.

The taint of treason: that bit between the cock of collusion and the pucker of perjury.

He didn’t read the whole contract, and now somewhere there’s a portrait of him that just keeps getting handsomer.

I’m not going to tell you that you look fine the way you are, or that you need to lose more weight. As someone who developed an eating disorder, substance abuse issues, and self harm behaviours after losing 80lbs and still not feeling good enough, I’m going to tell you to seek help. What you’re describing does not…

I think we’re all going to have to get over our collective ickies about eating bugs. They’re an environmentally sustainable, protein-dense food source that can be an unnoticeable additive to other foods. Turning our nose up at this point is a bit childish.