Gators, dogs and weed? Are we sure he wasn't just trying to recreate the "World's Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party" in his backyard?

My pitch for a black & white buddy comedy movie, "Sapp & Stapp":

I'm not saying that all of them are staged, but who goes to a Super Bowl party to videotape their friends? A few too many of these seem like they rewound the DVR and then filmed it, just so these kids can make it into a highlight reel of "EPIC SUPERBOWL REAX VIDEO!!!"

Aaaaand, you all now have chlamydia.

HUGE oversight, "You're worst nightmare, butt horn!"

Frank Underwood would like to have a word with you:

[Insert cellmate here]

Personally, I'd much rather read a discussion on the Talking Heads... or at least that green-hued screening of (presumably) Stop Making Sense. Best concert movie ever!

"Body blow! Body blow! Body blow! Body blow! Body blow..."

Great, another windbag piping in more hot air on this already over-blown and highly-pressurized debate.

Josh McDaniels [out of frame] silencing Person of Interest:

$6 mil for 6 HRs? That's nothing. The Yankees have paid double that for two HRs:

Speaking of penguins....

The shirtless guy was named Pan, and he is not jerking off.

I can think of one man who's pretty darn excited about this innovative product. That's good hustle!!

You all realize this entire debacle is nothing more than a viral marketing campaign for Gillette's tacky new razor gimmick. #Flexball

There's an entire International Patent Classification (A61H 19/00) devoted to apparatuses for "massaging of the genitals," with over 3,800 worldwide filings using this classification!

I think we can all agree that the thing was blown way out of proportion.

Well, he can at least survive a weak stiff-arm from Jerry Jones.

So he's essentially the Jackie Robinson of artificially sweetened sugar water.