Sorry, what I meant to say was, when does Wahlberg do acting go to a soundstage in LA to say “where did Donny go? Is he a Transformah on the fackin’ Planet of the Apes?”

Based on his films, he doesn't

When does Wahlberg do acting?

We’ve been hours away from a nuclear war since he was inaugurated.

God, this is fucking delicious.

I think that’s a colorful story that people tell themselves, and I’ve no doubt that he is petty enough to think “I’ll be President some day, and then they’ll pay!”... but there is no way that’s where this all started.

What man realistically is in Beyonce’s league? You might have to look outside of the music industry on that one. You could say some super legendary people like Denzel Washington (who is married). But let’s keep it reasonably age-appropriate here. Yeah, Jay Z is 13 years older at least.

Man, it must be hell on those UN translators trying to parse his awkwardly structured 4th Grade English.

Oh, it turns out the doctor was his mother, and the reason she couldn’t operate was she had puked and pissed on herself.

Code words. That become more and more freakish as time goes on.

Wouldn’t the batter still be able to hear the catcher say “slider, off the outside corner?” I mean you can still hear someone when they’re talking into a microphone.

This woman is absolute scum. I really have no idea what NBC is doing out here putting this dogshit woman up in front of people on purpose.

He’s thinking “stick to the script, stick to the script, stick to the script”, while also thinking “no collusion! witch hunt! deals! big hands!” Takes a lot of concentration to not spout off nonsense.

With all due respect, your mom’s an idiot. 

Make America Grain Alcohol

can’t wait to tell my mom “the rest of the world is laughing at us”

If by white collar career, you mean stacking shirts at JC Penney’s, then maybe.

I hear Trump’s nominating Brock Turner if this one falls through. 

This is false. Subway was much more handsome than Mitt Romney

You can see the guy’s white-collar career flash before his eyes the moment he realizes he’s been caught on video screaming racial epithets.