Or maybe one time they fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucked

I dunno, my experiences in California have shown me that you can’t swing a dead cat without hitting a few Teslas.

Whenever I drive/am driven/ride the train past the art museum, I like to imagine it’s actually the Palace of the King of Philadelphia. Furthermore, when I’m at the museum, I pretend that I am said king, roaming my spacious halls and inspecting my art collection, enjoying the echo of my footsteps.

How can anything the guards do be considered excessive? They are about to be boarded by armed pirates who will kill if they feel it is necessary. Pretty sure ‘about to be boarded by pirates with rifles who are going to kidnap and take us hostage and all of our cargo’ justifies deadly force.

Hernandez learned everything he knew about the Bible from Tim Tebow, which explains why his understanding of it was incomplete.

I’ve got to figure out how to talk about this in a family-friendly way.

“This incident, understandably, is going a bit wider.”

Rumor has it the cheerleaders were also part of a pyramid scheme.

“assuming I’m right about that”

Because too much proselytizing can be annoying, even when you agree with it.

Does anyone really think cordless vacuums are for actual cleaning? All they do is replace bending your fat ass over to pick up Jimmy’s spilled cheerios. These things don’t generate nearly enough suction to accomplish anything remotely close to cleaning. They certainly can pick things up, but, picking things up =\=…

Does anyone really think cordless vacuums are for actual cleaning? All they do is replace bending your fat ass over…

Things I should watch but never do because WHYISITONATTHATTIMEIHAVEAFAMILYANDAFUCKINGJOB: Garbage Time.

It should be called an Aventa now since the door is gone.

A word of caution about soft close toilets: since installing one on my own toilet, I now absent-mindedly assume that all toilets are soft close. That is not the case. Whoops.

A word of caution about soft close toilets: since installing one on my own toilet, I now absent-mindedly assume that…

As I believe the kids say, savage AF.

At least for the last guy, sure.

Let me tell you, this is a whole-ass american vehicle. Feels like one. Was designed like one. Is built like one. They designed and make ‘em here.

Designed and built in america.

Wait til she finds out he pooped in the upper tank of the toilet.

Take them to school, dipshit.