Michael Caine has always taken anything offered. It’s part of his charm. I would say peak Johnny Depp would be Ed Wood.

Here’s her mugshot...

I’ve nailed solid 7/10's and 9/10's with herpes. If you have had more than 3 fucks in yer life, you’ve ridden bareback with the scarlet letter H. Valtrex and Wild Turkey 101 are beautiful things.

I would love to see Porsche come out with the car that would be as fun to drive as this shit-show, but limiting themselves to 190hp and 225 foot-pounds of torque.

So I guess we will never see the 1LR-GUE again. Shoehorn that mill into it for under $150,000 and mate it to a decent transmission and you just might have a decent F-Sport version

A GTI.

Three years in San Francisco taught me one thing, that there is in fact one city that is worse than New York. New York has way less human fecal matter in various places in San Francisco does.

My friends and family know me as a contrarian bastard, so it makes sense that I quite like the GT. When it first came out, all I could think was “holy shit! BMW made a $90,000 Pontiac Aztec/6000SUX!” I’ll be damned if the thing hasn’t grown on me, I’ve always had a thing for slightly oddball vehicles. This car is just…

Blah blah blah, Balboni eddition, blah blah blah, gated shifter, blah blah blah, rear wheel drive, blah blah blah, drift, blah blah blah, future classic, blah blah blah, came here for this, and wasn’t disappointed…

Drain the military.

Indy is way worse.

You forgot about taking part in every government program there is, and then voting GOP.

This car will always be Peter Gallagher in The Player.

You know that your job is to entertain us, to pass time as we all move closer an unknowable abyss. Right? The last month of your work has been reminding me of, and not distracting me from, that fact. I always wondered what it would be like if Marcel Proust bitched about four-wheel-drive vehicles

No. A friend of mine did a custom hood for his Honda Civic, and it looked like a vagina. So I called it “ironvagina.” That was 25 years ago.  

Or the fact that God made him give away a car. God gives him cancer and then takes credit for his philanthropy on his deathbed. That guy is a dick.

I used to be obsessed with these things. I had a newsstand in downtown Seattle back in 1986 that carried Car Magazine. I would stare at the ads, I thought they were the coolest vehicles. I went as far as calling Rover on an international call and pretending to be interested in gray-market importing an SD1, and have…

My ex-wife is fund manager in SFO, and she and I talk quite a bit. I asked her if she was “getting-a-leg-up?” and she sheepishly tells me that she has been having a great time on Craigslist. She now has a rotating stable of men that she is going to town on. She always had the drive of a 14 year old male, but after…

Bill set me up on the worst first date of my life. To be fair, I took the poor girl to see Joe Versus the Volcano.