I’d personally be on guard on the bridge with boltcutters to cut the damned things off and brain the brainless twats with their discarded tokens of their love. The people who think this is just a harmless way of expressing your love are ignorant of the fact that a lot of the bridges over the Seine aren’t just very…

Well, there *is* that twatbag up in Northern Ireland who whinged about making a cake for a gay wedding...

There’s a story that goes around in my family of a woman my mother went to school with who was working at Glasgow’s Royal Infirmary back in the seventies and eighties. Back in the later years of the 1970s, she was out one night with her pals and this young American guy comes sidling up to her. Young American…

God, that makes the story of my cousin trying to sue a garage for the “failure” of respraying her car to the correct shade of pink (I shit thee not) look positively sane.

Be right back. Going to look *that* up...

There’s a restaurant here in Glasgow that is considered to be one of Glasgow’s, if not Scotland, if not one of the UK’s finest. And it’s totally not what people expect. But the food is amazing, the setting is beautiful and the staff are friendly, etc. One night, I was entertaining two colleagues of mine from over the…

I’m still waiting to see this, but everything I’ve heard about it - especially Theron and the ladies in the film - is good. To be fucking honest, I’d watch Theron pick her nose and eat her snot and still be madly in love with her.

And there they were thinking that Alexis “I’ve got the emotional range of a kipper” Bledel would be the break-out star. The fools!

I hope they never do stop saying that line of shite. That way I can still turn round and say “Oh so you’re not just a sexist fucktard, you’re a hypocritical sexist wankpot with raisins for balls!”

You work in a shop, love. You can lose the attitude.

Oh, I wouldn’t doubt that he sat in his hotel room and made himself sick on Pizza Hut or Domino’s. He was that sort of special wee fuckwit.

Did any of the bottom-feeders actually wear anything by a Chinese designer or did I gloss over that whilst trying not to laugh at SJP’s latest attempts to look edgy and cool?

I’m not joking, but I LOL’ed. They’re like two wee hobgoblins who just crawled out of Donatella Versace’s oily orange-hued crack o’ doom. FLUSH THEM BEFORE THEY MULTIPLY!

No, really, what the actual fuck is this? Not him, not her, that. What the kitteny hell is that supposed to be?

Oh boo fucking hoo, frau.

The orange skin makes the Baby Jebus weep.

No, after the curry thing, I ditched the bitch. As in “I stiffed him for the bill”.

A couple of years ago, I went with a colleague to a Chinese restaurant that had just opened in town. I really fancied this guy and I wanted to impress him with some really good, authentic Chinese food. The restaurant didn’t disappoint me but he was left pretty pissed off. Not at the food, but at himself.

My stepfather did something nice for a young woman serving food in a restaurant we went. It was for my cousin’s graduation dinner (less said about *her* the better). The young woman in question was serving the food and my aunt (one of those special people you just know is going to end up in Hades being fisted by…

Seriously, Bruce, all the best of luck and happiness to you. I can’t imagine the pain and confusion you must have felt at times and I can’t imagine the struggle you’ve faced in coming to terms with your identity and the sacrifices you’re making (be quiet, you puerile lot! *smack*) but seriously, I wish you all the…