Oh honey, don’t you know that tears are just a gateway for you to deliver *more* burns and make yourself look like the wounded heroine? Just say to them - “I’m sorry, but your 1990s bubble perm hurts me so much” or “Monica called - she said to put the dress in the freezer the next time you go out whoring” or something…

Just remembere one. I recently started hanging around with some old schoolmates after fifteen, sixteen years. One of the little dears that used to hang around with them was someone I was terrified of at school. Unfortunately for her, I’m older, I’m wiser and I’ve faced down angry cats (they all just need some love,…

Probably the sickest thing I’ve done in a long time was yesterday when I convinced a smug fucktard to admit his wrong-doing and then said “honey, just like the men whose cocks you ride - and don’t deny it, I’ve got your Grindr profile on my phone - I’m not impressed by your performance, my team isn’t impressed and…

I’ve often had to put up with the “charms” of a rabid mother going on about her Supa-Speshul womb-scraping a few times in the past. I think I’ve finally solved that issue by simply shooting the brat in the back of the head and decapitating Mummy Dearest...I’m joking. What I did do, however, was simply drawl - during…

In the UK, we have Pears soap. It's a pretty old-fashioned glycerin soap with a rather nice smell. That and the horror that is coal tar soap. It's the soap that many of us Brits grew up with in school. It's either bright, garish yellow in colour or Kardashian-level horror-pink. It doesn't just clean your skin -…

It kind of makes me sick to read this. There's nothing wrong with tap water. Those who claim it's "Tasteless" or "Not Good For You" need a bitchslapping with the sharpened end of a machete.

Manbitch has his buttplug inserted the wrong way.

"Pence insisted that "tolerance is a two-way street," seemingly misunderstanding the definition of the term."

It's a bit of a nasty story, but bear with me...

Good lord, it's Tom of Finland, anime-style...

Yeah. I've seen this at work. Humiliated my old boss for doing it as well. Years and years ago, I worked for a stone-age bastard who basically believed that every woman in the office should wear a mini-skirt and a clingy blouse and that they had zero contribution to make in relation to the company. One of my…

My cousin's wedding cost about £46,000. That was £6,000 on a frock, £20k on the venue and the rest on the tat and tack. Including £10k on champagne.

There's nothing more cringe-inducing than the enforced team-building exercises. I want to see one of the HR wankpots do all these stupid little games. Whilst the rest of us watch on with AK-47s aimed at their feet. The monkeys will dance for their supper....

It goes both ways. I've got a "reputation" in my company for being harsh and openly honest with members of HR, to the point where one of the weaker members of the HR team will actively avoid me in the office. Why? Because we had a "motivational day" where our HR team said to us all with a big cheery smile "HR are…

Fuck her for a second (although she's definitely rocking the Dead Hooker look) and focus for a second on her creepy husband. Dude looks like a child sex offender from the 1950s. That bitch has no place to go in claiming he's "original". Mark Ronson called from 2010, bitch. Wants his look back.

I just love how everyone assumes that if that fucktarded, Tory-sucking, bad-jeans-wearing old prick Clarkson goes off...then so does Top Gear.

Not me personally, but I had a hand in her downfall...

What the actual mothering fuck was that? Someone got paid to make that shit? Dear christ.

This is why elderly performers should always have a zimmer frame on standby. And sensible shoes. And a twinset.

God, that was grand. More! More!