Hello Jezzies, I just wanted to inform you that Eric Trump is lying. I, Sipowitz Corningsworth III, have personally been funding the entire federal govt budget with my taxes for over a decade now. You’re welcome!

I hate the Guy Fawkes is some sort of revolutionary to the Internet and the world at large. He wasn’t trying to overthrow an oppressive religious institution, he was trying to INSTALL one. He worked for the Catholic church was hoping he could bring the Catholic church back to Britain if he just killed enough of those…

They drafted women in the 60's???

I’m speaking of Trump obviously.... I don’t hear Clinton making fun of disabled veterans and POWs

Okay, everyone, repeat after me...

Nope.

It’s more than laziness. This charity has the same accounting team as one of Trump’s sons who also operates a charity in NY that is legit and has filed the proper paperwork.

When a Trump account has filed the proper forms for one charity but not the other charity you can bet something is going on. The evidence is…

No. Because the Clinton foundation actually uses all that money for charitable projects around the world, that save millions of lives. Trump’s foundation (which he hasn’t personally contributed to since 2008) is there mainly to provide bribes for elected officials and payoffs to people suing him.

That’s why Trump is going to win this election.

I drank rosé and ate cheez-its in a hot tub this morning and I am not on vacation THAT’S JUST LIKE TYPICAL SEVEN AM SHIT TO ME.

why is sleeping a good thing? i want a president that has never slept, a president that doesnt need to sleep. when do Islams attack? while we are sleeping, those cowards. i want a president that can keep me safe like my dad kept me safe. he would watch me all night every night to protect me from Africans he said and…

This, in turn, has led us to the awesome (not in a good way) state of affairs in which Snopes is having to Google “Alicia Machado sex tape” and then confirm that the woman actually appearing in the results is actual porn star Angel Dark.

He probably uses software like TweetDeck to schedule them to go out at certain times just to fuck with us.

I love this because I imagine that he was just tossing and turning in bed seething about this and then finally leaped up, cast aside his absurdly long stocking cap, and tweeted this out before collapsing back into bed.

Meanwhile, Trump has been reading up in preparation for the next debate:

A jury said it was rape, just not the jury who heard Parker’s case, you sick fuck.

I wish a reporter would ask him how much his experience as a rapist helped him in writing the rape scene in his movie.

He doesn’t think what he did was rape. His victim failed to say no hard enough, so it was acceptable for him to keep pushing her. It’s what men do! Whereas a slave being raped by owners is awful and horrible and deserves total condemnation.

A lot of us feminists have kids, and we like seeing other people’s adorable kids.

EYEROLL God can’t we just enjoy them? Not everything is an injustice. #sojezebel #thisiswhypeoplehateus