And it wants out.

Sadly, all those plebeian names are now reserved for ironic dog names. (Ironic names, not ironic dogs.) Within a block of my house are dogs named Todd, Kevin, Bob, Larry, Roger...I’m looking forward to the first ironic use of “Brayden” on a dog. Maybe in 20 years.

Yes, but he’s familiar with their musk.

Morans.

It’s the right way to hate.

I know! “Proper piña coladas” from an Irishman? He’s truly hit rock bottom.

I’m starting to believe that parents are naming their children just to be included in this yearly competition.

Smoove, is that you?

Nah, “playing it right” just means playing it with the St. Louis Cardinals.

It was the Maroon 5 of Super Bowls.

Perhaps he should have been wearing the Scottish Cup.

“try to keep the club up.”

“And be careful of what you do ‘cause the lie becomes the truth.”

More opportunities for players to hang themselves?

Ah, the “Gritlord.” Nowhere near as dominant as the Shammgod.

Is that Arsenal kit he’s wearing? Or the colors of Loudon County?

Apparently, this is the IRS’s definition of “national treasure.”

“Near or at the major-league level” is pretty much the bar for the Sox in general.

Eventually the red turns black, and then the matter turns inward, upon itself, through his nostrils, its mass unable to oppose or withstand the compressive force of stupidity, then consuming all nearby objects until it bursts outward in a massive explosion causing ripples in the fabric of time and space such that…

Wait, did he literally confuse “brainfart” and “heartfelt” right there at the end?