This is really serious news and quite shocking. Who made Jagr a Count?

Missed the best one:

Wow, New England, even all of the goddamn oceans are against you.

He's leaving to devote more time to building a real life dinosaur nature park located on an island off the coast of Costa Rica.

Wait, you're wrong about this, I wore that exact same outfit and my dick wasn't showing at all! Must've been a tear in the stitching.

Found it, via a cached copy on this forum.

Hold on Barry, you actually expect me to believe that the NFL knew about a problem and failed to act on it?

Force the Pats to be on Hard Knocks for the next two seasons. Belichick would lose his fucking mind.

And can you believe that those 100 footballs still contracted MRSA?

But Toronto PD clarifies that the men were not arrested, merely ejected, ticketed, and banned.

Racist

Easy. Zero.

He was aiming for a full stadium but he missed...

Prosecutors remain baffled at the fact that of all the people surveyed, they can't seem to find a Patriots fan who began following the team before 2001.

I'd like to use tinder but can't think of the embarrassment I'd feel if one of my female friends saw my profile

Oh great, another Scott Van Pelt story.

I promised Tommy I'd never tell this story, but fuck it. What's he going to do, ban my account? Oh gee, how will I ever get a new one?

Dear Stan, I wrote you but you still ain't called/

I sure hope he catches the Pink Panther.