[Alarm clock turns from 5:59 to 6:00 AM. “I Got You Babe” begins to play. A BENGALS FAN lies in bed and opens his eyes.]

Anders:

Best final stage? American Gladiators (original) or GTFO. Just an endless barrage of semi-fit people getting mutilated by the best of 1980's roid rage.

I was in the middle of eating my W but couldn’t handle the fireworks of this post

Why? JPP clearly didn’t read the warning, why should we?

When did they start installing turf in migrant children’s detention centers?

There should never be a redemption narrative for Jameis. What he did is disgusting and unforgivable. And I can’t believe you posted the video of it.

me seeing the Magary Darnold similarity for the first time

At a rest-stop or McDonald’s with no changing table, and using the folded-down seat in the car as an ad-hoc changing table, which inevitably causes one parent’s back to be thrown out, and six hours to go.  

+5 point palm exploding heart technique

You showed up a season and a half late due to traffic, then didn't pay attention for three, then left to beat traffic half a season early.

Is LeBron older than Luke? Or am I just being fooled by the hairline? 

Assistant coach Luke Walton.

Your username is ORLANDOMAagic91 but you’re also the type of person that refers to the Lakers as “We”?

But enough about Phil Jackson’s dick ...

Jeannie Buss has just invited LaVar to check out this cool thing she found deep, deep in the woods. 

Papyrus. This feels like a place for papyrus pathos.

Never left? I can count the number of those little Laker car flags I’ve seen in the last five years on one hand. And I’m Jason Pierre-Paul.

Anybody that talks shit about The Sandlot is an L7 weenie.

The Sandlot is the Citizen Kane of sentimental kids sports movies. Anyone who writes a negative review of it is cold hearted homunculus incapable of actual human joy, you know like our President.