I just love J. K. Simmons in whatever I’ve seen him in. He’s easily one of my top 2 J.K.s

Will was like AND I AM TELLINNGGGG YOU!

“Oh for fuck’s sake! Stop trying to make your boring ass babies cool with my last name.”

Here is the number #1 (no pun intended) rule of etiquette for multi-stall bathrooms: If you are done with your business and the other door that was shut when you got there is still shut, someone is holding onto their poop for dear life, praying that you will hurry up and leave. Please move along. Hopefully someone…

Although it sounds like the result of some freaked-out parent being annoying, these sunburns are legitimately terrible.

Drop Bears are my favorite! They should just feed the cats to them.

CATTICA! CATTICA!

some time in the mid-90s I fell out of my bunk bed and hit my head. My parents took me to the ER, and the doctors asked me various questions to determine my mental status. One of them was “Who’s in charge at the White House?” I deadpanned “Hillary” and had the whole ER laughing. I was seven or eight.

I’m still holding out for her follow-up, “Why Extroverts Have No Depth or Value (And How They Can Live With Being Shit-Filled Hollow Shells of Negligible Psychic Energy).”

Did you guys read the whole Times article? They’re acting like this lady invented introversion. Get your head out of your ass, New York Times Style section. Everyone knows Emily Dickinson invented introversion.

The Kardashian’s wouldn’t be rich if Robert Kardashian Sr. never went to college, so yes, a college degree is important if you want to make money.

eating a salad as a full meal is like eating whispers

“12 years ago, twin brothers and PhD historians Frank and Bill Watson inherited a file that upended that history”

Can a 15 year old “ha[ve] an affair with her mother’s 35-year-old boyfriend”? I thought we had a more appropriate name for that...

Literally screamed in glee at “ginger faced fart storm.”

I mean, if you were like “this is a picture of Lisa Bonet and Lenny Kravitz” I’d be like “yup”.

same

A Hamptons frozen yogurt spot refused to open their doors for Rihanna. OK, fine, they were technically closed at the time (it was 11:00PM and “staffers were packing up”)

• Charlize Theron invited the President of the United States of America to a strip club. [US Weekly]

Kit Harrington also claims he is 5’8”. Anyone who believes a word he says is a fool.