His signature technique - the Rochester Reacharound

This is how you're supposed to have lunch in Japan:

Vacuous wasteland of talentless crazy.

Hanna Montana opens her own BDSM dungeon

This is where the Kennedy's like it.

I think it would be foolish to assume the NSA couldn't crack this in half a second.

I've just amputated my pinky with some string instead of walking over to the drawer and getting a pair of scissors. Thank you Lifehacker!

It doesn't work on my wrinkly #@$%.

Irons make good improvised weapons.

Why didn't the eyewitness call the police or say something?

What about the photographer? Did the a-hole just sit there snapping away while this guy choked his wife? What kind of a dickless ass wouldn't step in at some point?

Dear Charles,

As a 4th dan jujutsu instructor, and an expert in choking bitches like you, let me be the first to offer my services to demonstrate on you the difference between a playful tiff and choking.

BMI is a ridiculous standard. Most pro athletes are technically obese. BMI doesn't consider body composition.

"The issue with the effectiveness of this diet is that while you are exhausting your body, you are not consuming calories by using physical strength."

Clearly the good doctor has never played with the likes of my 15 pounds of dangling fury.

I want to fire a probe at Uranus.

What would be even cooler is to Photoshop yourself into their profile photos butt nekkid.