OH GOD IT'S TRUE

Yeah, I'm lacking a good close nearby friend to talk about my poop with lately. It's unfortunate. I enjoy telling people things like, "The ladies room at work now smells like a tire fire. What the hell did I drink last night?"

I remember this! I thought it would be the funniest thing ever but then I looked at it and realized that talking about poo is way more fun than looking at it.

Oh man, barium shits are pretty unbelievable. Also remarkable: the bright-green poos one gets after eating a lot of red cabbage.

I have on occasion been tempted to photograph a particularly awesome dump, but then i remember that I don't ever want to look at anyone else's dumps and decide against imposing that on anyone else. (I had an ex who liked to photograph his poops and show them to me. He had just gone vegetarian and was super impressed…

There are always little clues in any piece of supposed health info that lets you know you're reading woo instead of real facts: one of the frequently seen ones is a reference to "toxins" that doesn't say which ones, and another one is the claim that you're carrying a whole bunch of extra poo around.

Why does the word "tush" still make me giggle like I'm five years old?

seriously, I'm beginning to think that the reason I'm a mere copywriter instead of a journalist is because I actually research the stuff I write about instead of talking out of my ass.

If you were him, would YOU admit that your life was miserable and fucked up? Bravado is part of his act. People who are happy don't have the sorts of substance abuse problems that he does.

Yeah, if this were written about a woman, it would be a VERY DIFFERENT ARTICLE.

This headline for the win forever.

This is not entirely unlike the folks who saw Mad Men and wanted to be Don Draper. MISSING THE POINT SO MUCH

WHAT IS THIS FROM

It'd be a lot funnier if it wasn't occasionally genuinely scary.

Whether we tell the truth or not, these men will verbally abuse us (and sometimes stalk and kill us).

There's no need for a tumblr, just talk to a lot of male heterosexuals and the behavior like this will just rollllllll right in.

Damn, I wish I'd saved some of the real doozies I've gotten on OKCupid over the years. There are MANY. These kinds of assholes are a dime a dozen.

At 35, I'm starting to feel like I'm ready for the nunnery. (Which is totally silly because it's only been like two months since I got laid, but still.)

No, there is no excuse for his "HURF BLURF PRINCESS" bullshit and yes, we should be mocking him for it. He needs to be held up as an example of What Not To Do.

Please tell me you punched him in the neck.