If you ever wondered what it would happen if a sentient circus peanut ran for president, now you know.

Have we reached a point where all cultural sharing is off limits? That seems so... stagnant.

The bible is only the uncontested Word of God when it supports my exact opinion, though.

Yeah, if we really wanted to be a “Christian Nation” in the truest sense of the word, we’d open our borders, provide health care to anyone who needs it, food to anyone who is hungry, not judge other people, and support for families and the elderly.

Imagine if 25 of those people had nuclear bombs! Or Bazookas! Or magical powers!

Remember that time a Texas gun nuts group tried to reenact the Charlie Hebdo attack using paintball guns to show how a good guy with a gun would’ve stopped it...and they all failed? No?

OH GOD. I haven’t even finished reading but that Funky Town story has brought actual tears to my eyes.

Our family tradition at Christmas is to go out Christmas Eve for lunch at a greasy spoon, be polite to the server, and leave a $100 tip in cash. It’s kind of selfish, actually— we all get to feel super altruistic, and we race to get out before the server finds the cash and feels like they need to thank us.

I would have thought Colonel Sanders would be a breast man.

Well shit, had I known you could use stories about people being nice...

“...the presence of pregnant girls will ‘serve as a negative influence to other innocent girls,’”

So...he didn’t hit his mom with a hammer, didn’t stab a guy, didn’t witness a holdup at Popeye’s, didn’t get a scholarship to West Point. What is true about this guy? Is he really a surgeon, or is he merely pretending to be one? Is he actually a hologram?

Does anyone know how to become a contestant on Shark Tank?

“Was that so hard?!”

“So, your table stopped me and asked what kind of fish they had was because they thought you were lying to them; I told them it was cod and they asked why we didn’t have real fish.”

Given that Halloween is coming up and all sorts of stupid lore about treats laced with tricks will soon full the media, here is a simple trick to detect illicit drugs in your confections:

While the burning with soup is the obvious issue here and an absolutely fucking unacceptable way to deal with anything as a grown ass person (or as a child)... Can we just agree that people that pull the, “I just had/bought/received/did this here last week,” customers are some of the FUCKING WORST?

Why are customers always convinced people are lying to them? They have only one cup size, they aren’ trying to trick you for the fun of it. I one time had a customer, when I worked at the convenience store, swear up and down they paid for a money order with a credit card there just recently. The damn computers didn’t…