Couldn't have said it better myself.

Still doesn't top this one...

Most of these morons don't realize that the only reason they're where they are today is because one of their ancestors, that likely spoke nary a word of English, decided to take a flyer on starting their lives from scratch on the other side of the planet.

That child is PEYTON MANNING. This is a real-life "12 Monkeys", guys. He came back to stop a personal tragedy, but it turns out HE was the tragedy.

Who else saw this commercial live and waited for this article to pop up?

I was once robbed at gunpoint by an escalator.

Someone kissed my hand after anal once.

Except most of the time they don't wear proper fedoras, they wear the woman's version called a trilby.

It's been said before, but bears repeating: Homburgs for everyone (only worn properly as outerwear, of course). A man who wears a hat with a teeny tiny brim has a teeny tiny personality to match. OH YES I SAID IT.

I think cops do this more than public realizes. Particularly with sex workers.

ENJOY: http://www.pointbreaklive.com/

This is the most exciting thing to happen in my life since Point Break LIVE.

Seriously, Man on Wire is so good.

Of course unmarried poor males do not contribute to the problem at all.

Of course he does. This is not surprising. This is literally the Republican platform. There's a reason they're fighting contraception as well as abortion. They're not concerned about preventing unwanted pregnancy or anything like that. It's purely an effort to control women's bodies and sexual agency.

Don't want poor women to have kids? Make abortion and birth control free and easily accessible. When you are poor, sex is the only thing you can afford.

I'll tell you if you use the proper homophone,

HEY, maybe I should write my articles like Mad Libs!

"There was a very ___________ (adjective) _______(noun) who _______ (verb) in _______(place). Afterwards, they _______(verb) because of a new ________(noun).

"You're out of order! You're out of order!!" - me, to this judge.

My mother to me, as the mother of a newborn: Don't you sterilize those bottles? Me: Why? Do I sterilize my boobs?