We're working on a new Kinja feature where I come to people's houses, hold their hands, and explain the story to them very, very slowly.

I don't hate Texas, I'm from there. So I agree! It would be great! That's why they need to change the laws to let people buy the cars they want and lure a potentially lucrative factory to the state.

As soon as they unveiled the new uniforms, the team received requests from over 40 players to change their number to 80085.

You're a fucking moron.

You win Jalopnik for Sunday.

"American hockey fans: bummed about the loss.

God damn I hate the Blues but I love my country. Go Oshie. I'm also hammered at 9am.

Don't worry Drew, there's a whole army of people on Twitter and populating the various comment sections of the Internet who are too stupid to know there could be a public backlash to their own idiotic #hottakes. If paid journalists have become too savvy to make asses of themselves in public for fear of retribution,…

"We ain't brothers, we ain't partners, and we aint' friends and if Ganz get's away with my money you're gonna be sorry you ever met me!"
"I'm already sorry."
NP, by the way.

I say this without a hint of exaggeration or hyperbole:

In 25 years when these are due to be replaced, everyone on Jalopnik will be complaining about how the new cab will never replace the soul of an NV200.

Ironically, "And we'll never be Royals" is included in every Scott Boras client's No Trade Clause.

The vast majority of Bear fans like Cutler. We know he's not perfect but he's our douche and surprisingly enough he seems to be pretty content in Chicago. He likes Trestman, his buddy B is by his side, and the coach is totally cool with letting him chuck it all over the place. Setting aside the idiot meathead…

Agreed. Brady and Manning are lauded for screaming at their O line, yet Jay yells at J'Marcus Webb, arguably the worst offensive lineman ever, and it's somehow an ordeal. Then they bitch about him walking away from Mike Tice, as if that's something any sane person wouldn't do. I honestly cannot comprehend the hatred…

Fellow Jalops. We must make sure that her inspiring story is not forgot and that generations of young girls will be exposed to her legacy and reach for their dreams, following in her footsteps.

You're, like, not all that swift, eh?

I was about to post something snarky about this article (like "How to Get the New iOS 7 and Remove Everything New!"), but then decided that there was enough snarkiness on the Internet. So here's a picture of the baby panda at the National Zoo.

Fuck you and your stupid prayers.