BABY JANE! I forgot my old email password and stupidly hadn't linked that account to anything so I didn't know how to find you! I should've looked for the puns — it's like your Bat-signal. Oh my word, I've missed you.

Ha! I will slip it subtly into the next Dov Charney thread.

Hoooo my god, I am completely taken aback by how much Kristen Stewart's new hairdo is THE SEXIEST THING IN THE WORLD. What is happening?

I'm pretty sure I've told this story on Jez before but it bears repeating. This woman was certainly not the worst flatmate I've ever had (actually she was a sweetheart) but she was by far the most unusual. She didn't speak a lot of English, so the week I went home to visit my mum I took great pains to explain to her…

Hi Kelly! This is awesome. But just a quick heads up, though: it's Tasha Robinson, not Richardson.

SPACE FEMINISM!!!!

"For me, the issue of feminism is just not an interesting concept. . . Whenever people bring up feminism, I'm like, god. I'm just not really that interested." She went on to say, "I'm more interested in, you know, SpaceX and Tesla, what's going to happen with our intergalactic possibilities."

Maybe I'm overtired, maybe it's because I'm still waiting for Evan Rachel Wood and Jamie Bell to tell me it's not my fault and they don't love me any less, or maybe I'm just trying to distract myself from the inevitability of death BUT I REALLY NEED THIS ONE TO BE TRUE, DO YOU HEAR ME, CELEBRITIES?

Oh no. Oh god. Yes, Jesus Christ, you win. Oh god, you poor Virgine.

OH NO.

CASE CLOSED.

My wee half-sister's middle name is the place she was conceived. My other sister nearly laughed herself to death over the prospect of one day telling her until my mum contemplatively informed us that if she'd used that method to name us, Other Sister's middle name would be 'Table'.

I have some pretty extreme middle names to cope with as it is, but god, if I was a boy I would've been... Mungo. MUNGO. Mungooooooo. My grandparents, bless them, bought a dog and called him Mungo in a last-ditch attempt to save me but my parents were planning to go ahead with it anyway, so set were they on ruining my…

Sandy, Mick Jagger, you... AND ME. We shall be the best quadruplets.

I am POWERLESS against this haircut, on boys or girls. It just destroys me. I can't even hate Macklemore, and god knows, god knows I've tried. The haaaaiiir. Back when I worked retail I was once unjustly yelled at by a tetchy Cillian Murphy and I was burning with righteous indignation over it until the next episode of …

Wait, but didn't Channing Tatum marry his Step Up co-star? Mate, I don't want to raise your hopes but it sounds like this totally works on him! Possibly only for dance movies.

Also German for 'wonderful'. But actually let's go with chocolate. That is, after all, the highest compliment imaginable.

WUNDERBAR.

Oh fuck, I miss Target Women so much.