Drew replied, "Anquan, Anquan. When we met at the crossroads, and I promised to make you a star, our agreement was for ETERNITY. You ain't got no Mississippi juju bag and no karate kid playing the guitar for your soul - it's MINE, just like your little brother." He then threw back his head and laughed maniacally in…

This just in on News Channel 5: Dewey Defeats Truman

@CardedForDissent: I was once told by a native North Carolinian that the derivation of the name of the town of Cary was really an acronym: Containment Area for Relocated Yankees.

Here I thought that a "simulated controlled substance" was the jump juice they gave potential astronauts before they were put in the whirling arm of centrifugal death.

Jake clearly couldn't bear to part with his mustard yellow uni.

Chuckie: Wait, Bill. Hold it. Did you hear that?

Spud, after Buchanan's monumental and legendary success in the role, Americans wanted to make sure that other Pennsylvanians actually measured up. Just as a side note, Biden was born and lived the first 10 years of his life in the "bucolic industrial splendor" of Scranton.

I wouldn't cancel the flight just yet - I laid eyes on several lissome and curvaceous young ladies in Costa Rica while I was there last year. Can't be too different next door in Panama. And no, they weren't hookers you bastards.

@Bluenatic:

Damn - that looks like Mitch McConnell addressing the empty Senate chamber on C-SPAN. He's a juicer too, don't you know.

I must say when I was in the Badonkular Region of Costa Rica last year I saw several similarly configured ladies. Of course all of them were actual and not Photoshopped.

@Gourmet Spud: It's a hard-knock motherfucking life in the pole vaulting business, I'll tell you what.

@Blast it, Biggs: +1

Tommy's new nickname: Dirt Diver

Dusty Becker took some time off from managing the Reds to play some stoned naked ultimate frisbee, did he?

Watch out Julia Allison - seems we here at Deadspin are hyping our own beautiful yet horseshit internet celebrity.

Watch out Bruce - Layla of the Frozen Tundra will sick her bloodthirsty pack of wolves on you if you mess with her again.

I'm sorry to see you go - enjoy managing your new bride's rocketing career, and best of luck.

@Wild_Horse_of_the_Osage:

@wonderlic—-myballs: