For my brother’s 40th birthday I got him 7 kids cards where the ages summed to 40 and wrote something silly in each one of them. He loved it.

Valid criticism. Thanks Obama!1!

You sound like a real pill.

I have a standard off-registry gift that I give to everyone:

Your mom has it.

For my wife and I, the real silver silverware set engraved with my last initial. For when the Queen comes by, I suppose.

This is one of the many reasons why peer reviews should be anonymous both ways, reviewers shouldn't know for whom they are reviewing.

You will wrest my milk from my dead Scandinavian body. Also, it’s like one of three drinks I can even drink anymore cause of allergies. I think I will go have a glass of milk right now. Milk.

if you crush a clove of garlic and put it between your toes, in less than 30 minutes you’ll taste it in your mouth

I’m a whore at any altitude above sea level.

Option 8: Only if he refunds every cent I ever paid to Virgin and I get to personally redesign their customer service globally. And I get to punch him. Not sexually.

Has he rebuilt Necker Island since the fire? If the answer is yes and he promised to take me there, I would totes fuck him.

Love him! My 17 year old daughter wore a dress with spaghetti straps yesterday and when a school administrator told her to cover up she asked him if her shoulders were turning him on. She's a sassy thing and I love it.

I openly admit to occasionally using them to subvert ass hats. I often work motorcycle industry conventions for a magazine I sometimes write for. At these events, I typically get confused for a rented booth girl. (a compliment maybe? I ... I don’t think so because...) Men often talk down to me, assuming I don’t know…

It’s so annoying that I can’t enjoy articles like this because, like, I always seem to know what Harvard researchers are going to prove before they prove it :/ bummer.

I live in NYC. When I think of the “sightseeing experience” here, it’s fucking exhausting - the Met, Broadway plays, Fifth Avenue, Herald Square, Central Park, MoMA, Times Square, 30 Rock, the Empire State Building, Ground Zero, those goddamn doubledecker tour buses. And when you pack all of that in, you’re not…

Bruce obviously feels very supported by Kim, and said she has been the most accepting, so why are you criticizing what she said? It was a conversation between her and Bruce, and she was quoting her husband. She wasn’t “reminding us” of anything. I’m sure there’s nothing she could have said that you wouldn’t have torn…

You’re sanctimonious and your comment is wholly unnecessary.

I would not, could not, in the rain. Not in the dark. Not on a train, Not in a car, Not in a tree. I would not do him, Ellie, you see. Not in a house. Not in a box. Not next to a mouse. Or near a fox. I would not do him here or there. I would not do him anywhere!