Ooooooooh, FACE

Didn't Tori also cheat on her first husband with Dean?

I've said it a million times before: How you get 'em is how you lose 'em...

This is THE BEST! I think Stephen Colbert is my spirit guide. He has a reaction for all my emotions and needs.

So... Tori... you got cheated on by the man who cheated on his wife with you? Oh.

I'm really unclear on this whole notion of a thing you chose to do because it felt good at the time being your worst nightmare. I mean, when I was pregnant I would have nightmares that I forgot I was pregnant and got off-my-ass drunk, or (one terrible night) that I was about to give birth and suddenly remembered that…

I know, right? Mary Jo Eustace is probably having a cocktail and laughing her ass off at Ms. Spelling for actually thinking it wouldn't happen to her, too.

"That's my worst nightmare, I cheated on my wife,"

...you're supposed to clean it?

Remember: If they don't want to go out with you, they're lesbians.

Hi, just breezing through here. Didn't read the article but wanted to comment on the picture. That woman would be so much prettier if she just smiled. Anyway, I'm heading to the gym now to hit on the women while they're trying to work out. I think I'm going to ask the hot blonde I have a crush on to smile for me…

If it will cheer you up, here's a still of the judge listening to his version of events.

Just rename the team, do a mea culpa press conference, and announce EXCITING NEW (and non-offensive) MERCHANDISE.

And you can sell through the old offensive merchandise because you won't be selling it any more.

IN YOUR BUBBS.

Everybody knows all the cool, interesting people go to hell.

This is Christian Sharknado. With God as my witness this is Christian Sharknado.

I won't eat it unless he puts it in an upcycled mason jar.