OMG STOP IT. IT’S MAKING ME FEEL THINGS I’M REALLY UNSURE OF

How can we make this work? I can pay you in either good wine, my absurdly large collection of cut off shorts, hugs, trips to the pizzeria of your choice anytime you want or my collection of greeting cards that I hoard in the event that I might need one yet always forget to leave the house with one and have to buy…

Right?!

Seriously, lawmakers. Stay the fuck outta my uterus/snatch.

OMG that damn elf. I have a friend who’s kid is terrified of the elf bc she thinks he’s a scary doll that creeps around her house at night while she sleeps.

“BECAUSE IT’S HISTORY AND OUR RIGHTS AND FREE SPEECH AND HAS NOTHING AT ALL TO DO WITH SYSTEMATIC RACISM OR TRAITORS AND WHAT ABOUT THE SOLDIERS THAT DIED BC IT TOTALLY WASNT ABOUT SLAVERY AND RABLE RABLE RABLE!” **violently shakes fist**

Your kid sounds like the cutest.

We had to duck from a few locusts, but other than that, everything was totally fine.

Ugh I wish I grew up with you

OMG YES! I was at my sister in law’s recently and we were looking through a bridal magazine with her daughters. One of the photographs included 2 brides getting married. One of her kids (age 4) asked why there were 2 brides in that picture. My SiL responded “well you know how ‘so-and-so in your class has 2 mommies?’…

I’ll never understand why people are so concerned with where other people put their dicks and/or vaginas.

Will you marry me?

This face is the face of a woman that is so unbelievably creeped out that she’s contemplating smashing her chair against the face of the toupeed douchebag skeezeball next to her.

I can’t wait for her cookbook to come out. I love her so hard that I can’t even hate her for eating so much and never gaining weight.

I love Chrissy Teigen super much, but I’m starting to resent her for the sheer amount of delicious food she eats and how teeny tiny she somehow remains. WHAT IS THIS WIZARDRY?!

Wait. What? This isn’t real, right? I thought that was Ellie being funny.

I mean, shitty sizing makes them assholes, not racist. They've got plenty of other aspects that make them racist shitbags.

Those people are THE WORST! Like, oh excuse me, Linda from accounting, but since when did you care so much about the contents of my uterus?

Mom?