Damn you I was enjoying that beverage and now I have to share it with my monitor. And my keyboard. And the cat.

sometimes i forget if narwhals are real or fictional, and then i google to check and i'm just SO STOKED every time i re-find out they're real.

Good. Fuck him and his Bieber hair.

i wasnt sure where this was going, and then it went somewhere and i liked it.

Was gonna say— are they REALLY sure this guy is the douchiest boyfriend in all of LA? That is one hefty title!

Hahah oops.

This is another crazy case:

Next step: Pack your own food and bring that to the restaurant.

Facesitting, huh? Face-fucking still encouraged, though, I presume.

No offense, dude, but I would rather have all of my internal organs pulled out with a hook Ancient Egypt-style than spent ten minutes with you in a public space.

23) Do not go out to eat with this guy unless you have no sense of shame.

Right? Some of these things make sense (ie. drink water at restaurants for health reasons and because beverages are over-priced) but some of this is just crazy (if you can't stand water, pony up for a goddamn drink then, DO NOT make lemonade at the table).

Oh my God, you sound like ten of my most annoying customers ever, all rolled into one.

I totally want to sail to that delicious island, on a boat made of crackers and bread.

Ow the truth of this statement was like a gut punch.

I think we are good on the Phosphorus front.

A joke he likely stole from Bill Hicks.

The fact that a Bob Dylan song now gets referenced as being from the Watchmen soundtrack to me is the strongest indicator on this page that times are changing ;)