Damn neighsayers, don't have a cow over it.

OMG, You, sir, are the best.

Do you see it too? Oh for a second I that was just one of those targeted ads they tailor for people individually because pretty much every ad I see everywhere online is for Vodka. Or some kind of alcohol abuse treatment center. Good to know we all got Vodka this time!

"This time, I spray-painted it orange and called it 'Boehner in a box.'"

Yes, we are completely unaware and didn't realize the most basic of contraceptive options available over the counter existed for our use until one brave rando on the internet brought it up. Thank you, you've changed EVERYTHING.

Male condom—Worn by the man, a male condom keeps sperm from getting into a woman's body. Latex condoms, the most common type, help prevent pregnancy, and HIV and other STDs, as do the newer synthetic condoms. "Natural" or "lambskin" condoms also help prevent pregnancy, but may not provide protection against…

This sure escalated quickly. I blame insufficiently squeezed coleslaw.

I submitted the cheese story. He was an ok tipper. 15% if you didn't piss him off, 12% if you did. Re: the dining companion: I don't know if they were dates, but doubt that they were. They were always women, but older, and they had the air of eating with one of those people in your life who you don't particularly care…

OMG YOU GUIZE.

Oh, GOD. I deal with these morons all the time. "I want my pizza well done, but not too well done, but not undercooked, but golden brown but not too brown..."

I've gotten my boyfriend down from well done to medium. I'm pushing for med-rare but medium is fine. Well done makes me want to break up with him.

OmarGone and DisplayNameJr.the3rd, I'm giving out stars like a kindergarten teacher here. You get all the shiny gold stars.

I have heard that, just didn't realize people were doing it. PINKHAM, ARE YOU LISTENING? THIS NEEDS TO BE A BEHIND CLOSED OVENS ARTICLE.

"our 10 oz. filet Mignon, cooked "Extra, extra, EXTRA well-done"

Speaking of therapist servers, have you ever heard that piece of advice that if you think a break up is going to go poorly you should do it in public? I can't count the number of breakups I've waited on. And that was at Denny's, so it wasn't even like "let's commemorate this amazing run with a final dinner," it was…

"I got it off a hairdryer!"

OMG, I'm in a work cubicle crying.

This column would be drastically reduced if there was a $30 dipshit surcharge at restaurants.