What, oh, that bulge in my pants? A simple misunderstanding.. You see, I must at all times carry around this prescription dildo in my front pocket. I am a doctor after all.

Obviously class plays a role in this, and lower-income defendants of all races are punished more severely and less judiciously than upper-class, white collar criminals. HOWEVER, even ignoring the disproportionate incarceration levels for minorities in comparison to overall crime rate, and ignoring sentencing…

Yeah, I don't want to hate on Piper Kerman, or anyone else for that matter, just for telling their own story, I'm just hating on the systemic imbalance in the publishing/entertainment industry that continually favors the promotion and distribution of only one specific white narrative as "universal."

Maybe I'm just a little on edge about this shit lately, but it seems kind of telling to me that if you get involved in the American Prison Industrial Complex and you're white, you get a million dollar publishing deal at the end of it. As opposed to if you're black, in which case you get dead.

The things she says are unfortunate but if ever anyone is likely to say something like that it's when they've just been in fear for their life.

I see. So being a bigoted, racist asshole is justifiable if someone makes you angry enough. Got it.

Hopefully she plays the Sparks song "I Married Myself" at the ceremony.

Ferguson's population is 70% black. Ferguson's police force is .05% black. I mean, fuck.

I guess I'd probably buy sneakers that actually looked pre-worn, assuming they cost the same or less than regular new shoes. What I wouldn't buy are white Adidas that someone applied brown paint to with a sponge brush.

Yeah, but I've heard she's been divesting and shipping off all her manufacturing jobs overseas to coniferous trees that will work for a fraction of the water we pay our Unionized American equivalents.

To be fair, it appears these sticks were manufactured by honest, hardworking American trees.

I think they were referencing the classic 1956 horror film "The GIFs They Couldn't Control!" starring Ernest Borgnine as the salty "Space Captain JPEG" and the lovable robot sidekick "run.exe"

Oh, I wasn't trying to knock you or the writers personally, I know you've been dealing commendably and admirably with what was turned into a class 5 raging turdicane. Keep up the good [brutal, soul-crushing, tedious, and hopefully alcohol-fueled] work!

Considering the past few days, maybe it's best if Roxane prepares herself..

I buy one of every type of women's scented antiperspirant, roll all the cakes into one ball and then use that, because I like to smell like ALL THE THINGS

Why do I get the feeling that as soon as this thing hits the market, the police will suddenly be inundated with photos of wincing Steve-O-fratbro-Jackass types drunkenly daring each other to "check out this new camera I got."

Yeah, well some of us don't have a job that allows us the free time to constantly refresh websites, waiting for a new story to be posted so we can rush to the comment section and fire off a quick and witty bon mot. Some of us happen to be unemployed.

Damn you! Virtually the same joke, in by a nose. Don't you have some salmon to harass or something?

You Will Never Have a 'Celebrity Body'

My working theory is that it's a Secret Window, Jekyll and Hyde thing where the basketballs douche is actually just a split personality of Tracie herself. "My god... the gifs are coming FROM INSIDE THE OFFICE!"