Celebrities on their b-days are just like us: Already so toasted by the time the cake arrives that they probably shouldn’t be given a knife to cut it.

Apparently being a white female movie spy means long straight hair with long straight bangs? Is this in the rule book?

I believe the Meghan Markle Fridge Content List in a heartbeat. I’m all for healthy food and a balanced diet, but this non-everything collection of juice, nuts and seeds is part of what’s wrong with modern culture these days.

Yeah, well, you know, that’s just, like, your opinion, man.

Would ya just relax, man?

you gonna put a lot of miles on yourself down there,

I mean, if you’re publicly giggling about your hilarious sex life and gushing how you’re going to spend the rest of your lives together, then neither sound very likely.

I wish I were the blowtorch in this scenario. Or that Reason was the blowtorch, and Trump the guy in the cap.

I suspect, however, that it’s the other way around. Trump’s madness is the blowtorch and we are all Joe Pesci.

At this point I’d rather have a mime. In an invisible glass box.

I read the whole (unredacted) interview. I know we all know this, but...I just can’t believe this clown is POTUS.

That kid! So much politeness in such a short time! (Well, except for the part about never actually letting mom finish up on the toilet. But still!)

This mom loves him.

This is where someone reminds you how important it is to have carefully chosen the right parents.

Gwyn and Chris were having a hard time selling their condo, so they reduced the price by $4 million

This really brought tears to my eyes.

Is #BannonsBitch a hashtag? It should be a hashtag.

I’m just here to say that’s fuckin’ interesting, man.

What’s she got against George HW Bush? Why’d she skip him?

^This^

Can you hear us now?