That Fifty Shades gif in the beginning:

damn naya, that was pretty quick...

And I can already smell the barrage of think pieces from pop culture critics trying to dissect a marriage they were never a part of.

Oh come on. The guy said "I will shoot you if you don't give me the phone" and she didn't give him the phone. She could have given him the phone. Just give him the damn phone!

I can find a million reasons to hate on Kimye, but the fact that he genuinely seems to love and respect her (even when I personally find her undeserving of the "respect" portion in particular)... that is not something I can hate on. I'm just a sap for a good love story I guess.

I'll never stop rooting for Kim and Kanye to make it.

Or maybe, she just doesn't feel like having sex with him at that moment. I'm pretty sure most of those excuses are just kinder ways of saying, "I do not feel like having sex with you right now." Or maybe she's just turned off by the fact that he's the kind of passive aggressive person that sends her pouty spreadsheets…

Or it could be because he pesters her EVERY DAMNED DAY and even if you *like* sex with your SO, that shit (the constant harassment part) gets old fast...

Oh you are one of those dudes.

This feels appropriate

Or maybe he fucking sucks in bed and she's too nice to tell him.

WAY TO ALPHA, BROTHER.

Noteworthy tidbit gleaned from spreadsheet: "I won't have time to get showered and ready for dinner" (we were 20min early)

Maybe HE is what's wrong.

So concerned that he couldn't just be an adult and have a conversation about it?

Ouch. Sounds like someone isn't terribly good at pulling themselves up by their bootstraps!

I think the lede here is buried, in that according to the OP on MTO, Drake is a CUNNILINGUS MASTER: "I must have c*me like 3 times while he was doing it. On after the other, after the other. I have had my box eaten hundreds of times, but no one has EVER done it like Drake. He has a real talent. His tongue went from…

When I haunt you I promise I'll only do it on Friendster.