@lalaland13: My Jessica is not a whore!! Daddy Simpson is the whore!!

She's frantically texting Hugh to find out where her neck went — Hugh knows everything.

@PICKLES IN MY TUNA: Bjork banged Frank Gifford behind Kathie Lee's back.

@myrtlebeachbum:Bjork waxed my bikini line.

The irony is dieting yourself skeletal to look younger achieves the precise opposite effect. Once you get into your 40s, you're better to be 10 to 20 pounds "overweight" than the other way around. It plumps out your wrinkles! Now, pass me another Krispy Kreme! I'm fighting off the signs of aging!

"She might want to consider a root touch-up."

Gazing at him just never, ever gets old.

@BadenBaden:I cannot believe you spelled it that way! You!!

The Feather Boa Lady made me laugh harder than anyone.

What is this, 1943? Christ this pisses me off. That's right, teens are going to stop wanting to have sex because some old health teacher tells them not to.

Terrible writing but I do adore her, I just can't help it.

@ineffable.me: What could be next? Dear God, NOT THE DEADLY STRETCH MARKS!!!!

Quite honestly, who WOULDN'T have wanted to have Heath Ledger's baby? The man was hot.

@not.a.clever.name: They say nothing makes a butt look better than a pat or two of melted butter.

Dear Ryan Gosling:

@lisas:Huh? Who, when, and weed? Really?

This is why I never understand the anti-pot people. Ohhhhhhh .... scary!!!

@NefariousNewt: And rightfully so. The marital issues have little to do with the parenting issues. The kids shouldn't have to pay any kind of price for the fact that their parents' marriage broke up.

@winoforever:Hi Carlos!

@Susan B.: It isn't libel if it's true. I have no sympathy for any douchebag who brutalizes the mother of his children or the father of her children, but if there ARE children? Yeah, keep it off the net and rant to your friends when the kids are out of earshot.