Bjork is making lingonberry jam and is tormented by her desire to smear it all over Joan Rivers and lick it off.

Bjork wants to turn Iceland into a hip new sunny vacation spot.

Bjork and Britney have swapped bikini-wax tips via text message. Crucial step: post-wax aloe vera!!

Bjork will be Barack Obama's running mate.

Bjork always thought Jan was far prettier than Marcia.

Bjork turned Jennifer Aniston against her own mother.

Bjork's favourite meat is pork. She has a secret recipe called Bjork's Pork.

Bjork likes to frolick naked in the hot Icelandic geysers with Dick Cheney.

Bjork took a wood-carving class and whittled a three-balled cock.

@braak: Bjork is finding herself insanely turned on by Braak's love messages to another woman and would like to know about a threesome possibility.

Bjork cross-stitched Hillary Clinton's face on a dainty tea cosy and was insulted when Clinton sent it back with a note reading: "What the fuck is this Icelandic shit?"

Bjork is fucking Matt Damon.

Bjork is playing Scrabulous with Larry King and he's beating her ass.

Bjork could have banged John Cusack but mysteriously, she boned Jeremy Piven instead and it haunts her to this day.

Bjork doesn't like poo-poo talk.

@NefariousNewt: Bjork likes to sing herself to sleep thusly: "When you get caught between the moon and New Bjork City ..."

Bjork gets around but secretly she's a sad slut.

Bjork wants to fist Joe Piscopo.

Bjork realizes she's wearing really fucking stupid eye/forehead makeup in that photograph.

Bjork wants to snort lines of Kim Kardashian's ass.