If tomorrow all my things were gone

Bachelorette parties will forever have a special place in my heart. The first time I ever went to a real club (alone and with a male friend), this guy kept creeping over and grinding on me, uninvited. I wasn't yet the elbow-throwing feminist menace I am today, so I didn't know what to do other than sort of awkwardly…

Oh, my gahhhhhd, all those itty bitty bits of broken glass mixed with liquor that the bartender is going to have to scrape out of the well and rinse out of the floor mats at the end of her shift. ONE broken bottle of liquor in the bar feels like a nightmare on a busy night, but this horseshit? Uuuuhhhhnnnngh.

This is not a malfunction, but simply makes me happy.

Why would you put marbles into rind bread? And why would I want rind bread anyway? I want the soft part of the bread - not the rind.

So if I just fucking devour a giant tub of Twizzlers from Costco, I win, right? I'll be doing that later anyway. AUTISM AWARENESS.

True, but we need to keep repeating the facts. The forced birth crowd repeats lies over and over knowing that they will be absorbed by low information voters. We need to counter their misinformation.

HOW CAN YOU EAT SEA BUGS BLARGLBARGLARGL

Ain't that the truth. I work at a university and the majority of the time I'm using FERPA to protect the student, but it also means I deal with a lot of screaming parents.

My birthday is a few days before Christmas, and Barbie came out the year I was four. My father was sick that year and in and out of the hospital, and my mom was working nights in a restaurant to support us.

I also had a short asymmetrical cut. And I loved the heck out of it. I didn't have to sit for hours with my hair in rollers or yanked or pulled, I just had a hairdresser come and blow dry me so it was smooth and had just the right amount of volume. It took 15 minutes! It was the best!

Basically, you give as many people doctorates as you possibly can ... and then you hire all of the racist, sexist, inappropriate ones and give them tenure. Everyone else subsists on somewhere between $500-4K per class while also working minimum wage jobs and regretting their life decisions.

Somehow, despite this…

I'm American, not from the South (West Coast Best Coast!) and am surprised that people are unfamiliar with the phrase. I wouldn't say I use it all the time, but I think it's a common (albeit maybe slightly old-fashioned?) phrase.

My dad asks me that "What are you going to do with your life?" question every time I see ihm, and every time I answer, I say, "I plan to prostitute myself on the Vegas strip, and use the profits to buy heroin. Every girl's dream."

Similarly, I asked for an Earl Grey with steamed milk, which the converted to a Earl Grey Latte (wth! - milk and sweetener do not a latte make) when I tasted it and asked why it was diabetic coma inducing, she told me "Sorry, that's how most people like it" which I took to mean what your barista said

Method of delivery IS important, not only because it alters how the hormones affect your body, but because it also impacts how well the birth control works to prevent pregnancy. As far as hormonal birth control goes, the pill has one of the lowest effectiveness rates because it's so easy to fuck up. NuvaRing is more…

White washes a lot of people out. I can't for the life of me understand why so many people cling to the pure white strapless princess dress look, when it flatters so few people.

Right. Heterosexual, cisgendered, happily married man in his 30's who definitely felt the, "Every girl's friend, no girl's boyfriend," shit in high school/college.

Not that weird, considering we have contact plungers

I'll skip the part where I say I cried happy tears over this and go straight to an Italian The Voice primer: