*get pen and paper* Inflatable... Butt... Implants...

If i’m Avril Lavigne and I find out i have Lyme Disease, i’m not calling a Real Housewife, I’m finding Irene from Real World Seattle.

I want to know where people think all this overflowing money is for black and brown kids for college. I mean, sure, there are some scholarships for students from underrepresented backgrounds (that also tend to be very competitive), but the way people talk about it you’d think there was a Fort Knox’s worth of money for…

I sort of have the opposite experience. My grandpa was native, Miwok, and he belonged to a tribe and shared those experiences with me. There were beautiful parts to it, as well as the ugly parts such as discrimination. He was not, however, my biological grandfather, who ran out on my dad when he was very young. He…

People are so bizarre. To think it’s only DNA that makes you native is just so strange. My family has the same Cherokee, but it’s actually Chickasaw. But I’m also adopted and 100% so other than finding it interesting I’d never claim it. I just did an ancestryDNA test and it’s been a strange ass ride. Just be sure…

“Checking the box” doesn’t qualify you for scholarships, having tribal registration does. And that requires a documented family tree going back to a registered ancestor with a blood percentage cutoff. There is quite a lot of paperwork involved and a DNA test doesn’t help with any of it.

Interesting. Now, would you ever entertain a not-leaving-Jezebel conversation

Bobby, bobby, bobby. What are we going to do without you?

I would not want to be a girl sitting next to you playing blackjack. 

Alcoholics cannot “enjoy alcohol and not abuse it.”  That’s why they’re alcoholic.

And I suppose you get a pedicure before you put on your flipflops in the summer? And you have of course advised all the men you know that they need to take care of their feet if they are going to wear flipflops or sandals?

I fucking hate this idea of “we can change the world with love.” No, we can’t. Love doesn’t work on Donald Trump. By Kanye’s logic, we could have stopped the Holocaust by sending Hitler flowers. We could have stopped slavery by getting slaves to hug their masters.

Grocery charity is both the saddest (because why should it be necessary) and most awesome (because most liberating) charity in the world. I was once at T&T market in Vancouver, and short like 90 cents on my bill at the store, and I was desperate for the food, and without another word the bagger leaned over and scanned…

I think he is positioning himself for a run at the Presidency.

would you like to place a bet on me ever leading a story on Jez with Kim again because i’ll win

Did Putin show an ID when he bought Trump?

I’m more interested in a reality show about people like me: single, broke, 30 somethings who spend their whole weekend lamenting that they have no friends with which to do anything with while simultaneously avoiding the people who call/text to ask if they want to do something.