History is always doomed to repeat itself. Just another Pole waiting to be liberated from his German oppressors.

Gaines Adams? TOO SOON

God damn it.

Stuart Holden was scheduled to perform*, but shattered his vocal cords in practice.

It appears you've confused him with Cena.

*slow clap*

Well, who better to take lessons from than a catfish?

Police have dubbed the weapon "Gloch Ness Monster"

First person to snitch always gets the best deal. Then, stitches.

Look at Zach trying to make us think his dick actually reaches his bellybutton.

Fuckin Nazis.

That is not bad.

I know, I meant it jokingly/sarcastically.

That's the People's Elbow. Do you even WWE, bro?

Depends how big the wedding is, I guess. If it's 200 people and for some reason, the cousins aren't invited, yeah I suppose that's reason enough to sever all ties. If it's like 20 people? They just can't afford many guests.

S-E-C! S-E-C! Ring a bell? That's rooting for Alabama.

Buying flowers is so fucking stupid I can't stand it. And the cost of them is ridiculous. This isn't directed at you, but you mentioned flowers, so I need to vent. What a stupid fucking plant.

I'll never forgive my sister-in-law for having all married bridesmaids at my brother's wedding.

Aw hell, I'm gonna try it tonight.

Same situation here. I won't say everyone thought my speech was the best ever, but it was well-received. Have one or two to settle the nerves, indulge afterward.