I figured out somewhere along the way that this is supposed to be satire, but really it’s just trash.

1. Cry into its pudding, I assume.

“You’re not a hardcore Zionist! That means you hate Jews!” Eat a dick.

It’s his dentures.

Slow your roll, bro. Due process is for court cases, not elections.

Except that these stories are a load of bullshit. The latest one is literally “he squeezed my waist.” And I 0% believe that he tried to kiss someone unsolicited and then said “it’s my right as an entertainer.” What a crock of shit.

1. Skip the Liberty Bell. It’s just a broken bell with a long line. You can see it from the outside. That’s good enough.

Fact check: That dinosaur was outside the Capitol.

Who would ever complain about looking at her? Idiots. Idiots, that’s who.

I mean... he was a more-than-competent quarterback, which basically makes you top 15 (if not better) automatically. There just aren’t a lot of good NFL quarterbacks anymore.

Thanks, but I prefer to wave my penis around all by myself in the comfort of my own home.

“Satire” now means “writing a mix of things you mean and don’t mean in such a way that you can semi-plausibly explain away the crazier things you said by claiming you were just kidding”?

1. Fuck Charlie Sheen. Fuck Hugh Hefner, fuck Tucker Carlson, fuck Big Ben, and Woody Allen is a creepy dude. I didn’t “conveniently leave them out”; all these lists are only partial. They don’t get a pass for the way they’ve behaved — not from me, at least.

I didn’t say that The Root as a publication has never covered those dudes. This article, specifically, has these lines: “What do all these men have in common? [Being white, right? -Me] ... All I can say is that no one has accused Spike Lee of beating off into potted plants. You might fault former President Barack…

Did you really read the line “All I can say is that no one has accused Spike Lee of beating off into potted plants” and not think of Bill Cosby? I’m not here to defend the Trumps and Murphys and Weinsteins. Fuck them. But this article makes it out like white people have some sort of monopoly on sexual assault, and…

Uh, wow. You really assigned a lot of motivations and things I didn’t say to me. I’m aware that The Root is a site that offers black people’s perspective; I find it valuable and I read a lot of the stuff here regularly — apparently in ignorance of the rule that I’m not allowed to read this because I’m white? Or I’m…

Not to be all “white” and stuff, but your whole little thing about Trump’s pussy grabbing and Weinstein and Murphy kind of blatantly ignores the similar actions of dudes like Bill Cosby, Usher and R. Kelly. As far as sexual transgressions go, it’s more of a male thing than a white thing.

I really don’t think we should be making snap judgments here.

If I had the bandwidth, I’d set you straight on this one.

Yeah, a lot of these seem to fit more readily into the categories of “terrorism” and “state-sponsored murder,” but I still have to give the author credit for introducing me to these brutal moments of American history that have been glossed over in our collective education.