Seems outdated, but as long as they call it handegg in the military, I’m okay with that.

Don’t cross him.

Correct order for elevators: people going to higher floors get on first because they get off last and it’s good to stay out of everyone else’s way.

Yo, the Las Vegas Mob is tight.

Hahahahahaha, wow, you missed that joke badly.

A dictatorship may implement some policies that you might call socialist, but there’s no such thing as a “socialist dictatorship”; the very concept of dictatorship is antithetical to socialism.

I met Pete Rose in Vegas a few years ago. He is now a lifeless husk of a human being.

It’s uncommon for anyone to produce an album that’s good throughout these days, so I was a bit skeptical coming into listening to this one, but I was still blown away by just how un-good it was.

In other news, I just found out whose taste in music I don’t respect.

At this point in my life, I never want to have a drop of alcohol again.

The reason that pizza is great is because almost any pizza is still good—as long as you’ve got the combination of bread, cheese, and sauce, there’s no getting this wrong.

Heeheehee, “both teams played hard.”

Amazon reviews say the zapper linked here is a piece of shit and that you should buy this one instead. #themoreyouzap

Yeah, I know, now I’m a “mansplainer” too, right?

See, people like you always make things like this into bullshit value judgments — now I’m essentially pro-rape because I think you could handle that social situation in a more constructive fashion?

The only ones going “boo-hoo” will be the people who take your advice and insult their dates like that. You really can’t think of a less idiotic way to avoid getting roofied?

“I’m having a lot of fun with you tonight, but hold on, I’m going to leave my drink with the bartender because I don’t trust that you won’t drug me while I’m in the bathroom.”

This really won’t make it awkward for the 99.9% of guys on dates who weren’t planning to use roofies, promise.

Jo got to be kidding me!

Oh, I get it! When you examine this photo real carefully, you can see that the brick wall is actually a close-up of Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky.