On behalf of all that is right and good and also the Mets, fuck Chase Utley and MLB alike. This is disgusting.

A 500-foot home run counts the same as a 300-footer, though admittedly the gasps are louder.

With Shumsky’s help, Horowitz and Kane were corralled on one side of a hallway, while Dickey, Litovsky, and I were on the other.

You don’t get to be a person anymore.

All you needed was to see his face on the bench immediately after; the dude was in a daze. Had no idea what was going on.

I think Ruben Amaro signed it away as part of Ryan Howard’s contract.

Nah, that’s hackish. I wasn’t trying to make “listen” so separate from the rest of my sentence.

Listen, all the things you’re saying are sort of right, but also totally wrong.

Not all Shakespearean usage applies to the present day, as current American English usage tends toward “hoisted,” but I’ll concede the point when it comes to original meaning. You also seem to be a Mets fan and a Jew, so I’m inclined to cut you maximum slack.

The semicolons (one word; using the hyphen is archaic) are correct; however, you messed up “get hoist” (should be “hoisted”). Nonetheless, it really doesn’t merit comment from the grammar police.

Listen, man, I’m fine with you going down that road of correcting people’s grammar, but if you do, yours had better be above reproach.

It really pisses me off that after I cheered for Peyton Manning (in broad strokes, at least) for the vast majority of his career and he barely ever won the Super Bowl, now that he’s been revealed as an atrocious human being — a liar, a sexual harasser, a doper, a Papa John’s franchise owner — he wins the Super Bowl.

The unfortunate thing about all this is that he was only applying those creams to his hair.

CAN CAUSE DAMAGE WHEN JUMPING

Well... um... some of that is actually true.

Titanic 2: Revenge of the Deep-Sea Zombies

Well, the entire political system is a sad reality right now. Why does the caucus exist in the 21st century? Why do delegates and electoral votes exist in the 21st century? And let’s not even get me started on Citizens United.

Laugh all you want, but when this election comes down to a game of H.O.R.S.E., you’ll be thanking your lucky stars that Bernie spent all this time practicing.

He looks kind of like Donald Sutherland, doesn’t he?