I had the thought yesterday that this year’s Oscars will be five minutes of awards, “And the Oscar for Best Direction goes to whoever directed Sonic the Hedgehog I guess?” and then two hours of In Memoriam. 

I’ve gone from 99% to 100% convinced that 2020 is the end of days and the Mayans had a small rounding error. Fuck you and fuck you and fuck you again, 2020. 

Perhaps a Melissa cocktail - kirschwasser and peach schnapps in honor of the song on the Allman Brothers album Eat a Peach, a splash of Luxardo if that’s too sour.

Pouring out a strawberry Quik and eating a Little Debbie Devil Square in his honor. #LatchkeyLife

Exit stage right, stage left ev-en!

Coming soon to an America near you!

CJ was sentenced for that crime to live with an adult daughter for a period of [checks notes - holy shit, that thing is still on???] eight to ten years.

I myself decided long ago to stop worrying and love tsar bomba.

And if it doesn’t I shall tell every member of the Television Academy, “From the Panera Bread you came, and to the Panera Bread you shall return.”

I hated olives growing up and never revisited them when I got older. Then for my fortieth birthday I went to a local tapas restaurant and a plate of charcuterie had an assortment of olives on it so I figured what the hell, when in Madrid, right? And it turns out, maybe I just had to turn forty to find out I like…

We’ve been having monthly socially distant barbecues on our street since May. Last month a Filipino neighbor one block over brought lumpia and pancit. Next month he said he’s going to make lechon. I’m really liking this new neighborhood. 

Salad puttanesca. 

Right now in Texas I am unwilling to make a brisket not because of any rain but because it’s 105 and I’m not standing twelve hours in front of a fire barrel shoveling coals. 

• Ice

“...including new co-host Matt Lucas, who replaced Sandi Toksvig...”

I have a feeling there is a huge overlap in the Venn diagram of “states that have Chick-Fil-A” and “at-will states”.

We can all just assume that you would have given it a C- if you didn’t like it and a B- if you really loved it.

I can’t believe we’re still supposed to be rooting for Josh Lyman to succeed after he killed all those kids in that cabin and then conspired to steal the bodies of black people. 

My desired level of sauciness: