Not that the Browns didn’t earn all of the penalties called against them and not that they played well enough to win despite the penalties called against them, but there was one where Tony Romo said, “So the new rule is there’s a high zone of engagement and the player was engaged in the lower zone and well, actually…

The only difficult part of a survivor league this year is who to pick the four weeks the Dolphins are either on a bye or playing the Pats, Jets, or Bills for a second time. 

“His replacement is wonderfully-named rookie QB Gardner Minshew...”

For all you know, I might actually be 69!

I’m sorry, you were saying?

I’m certain that’s what everyone said about Randy Moss. 

The human rectum is almost nightmarishly elastic. 

Aww, Jamie left right as I was starting to understand what the hell he was saying (the clip of he and his brother conversing in Surrey Sasquatch grunts was epic). The next meal I screw up I plan on saying “Looks a righ’ dahg dinnuh, innit?” in his honor.

What I really need is a website like Does the Dog Die? except it tells you whether the crime is solved or a plausible theory has been developed by the end of the podcast, or whether it’s 13 hours of amateur investigative masturbation, throwing every possible and sometimes impossible scenario at the wall, and making…

A therapist suggested the same. I haven’t always been able to practice it, but it definitely helps when I am able. He had the most poignant and compelling explanation for its effectiveness. He said the opposite of sadness isn’t happiness, it’s gratitude. 

All writing is rewriting. My first draft was a Where’s Waldo joke, too!

Ugh. There should be a support group for posts destined for glory squelched by Kinja fuckery.

At a former job there was a guy who periodically sent unhinged rants to every info@public_company.com address there was, in addition to incredibly-wishful-thinking formations like steven.spielberg@paramount.com. I never sent them to my spam folder because I wanted to see what batshit thing he said next. This email is…

If it helps, that one asshole ranting at Drew was from Thailand.

I recently received an Android as a work phone. In figuring it out I scrolled left and found the Google news feed with Fox News articles right alongside ones from Deadspin and Gizmodo, and I thought, oh, that’s where the people in the greys find us!

I come bearing good news. I starred it at 95.

I wish that I could. I spent my last two playing cards on a bite of a glass pretty back in dickety-two. 

The opposite actually! It was reading a little burnt sienna. 

I’ve done that too! Or they rarer bird, the post with 419 stars.