“I’m not gonna punch the botha ya.... Like hell, I’m not!”

“Because Gleyber Torres is going to get some time off, someone named Breyvic Valera is going to get more starts at second.”

The Starbucks ranking is fine, but they all fall below the “tropical” varieties of plum, raspberry, and wild cherry. The real revelation though was when a coworker brought back cantaloupe chews from a trip to Japan. I treasured those one by one for a week. 

I didn’t say this a couple days ago out of respect for his work for the CTE victims, but guess who else has a perfect record Nick Buoniconti? The Grim Reaper. 

Nelson:

There’s no reason to go to Indianapolis since they closed Charles Mulligan’s.

Let’s kill the two birds of these consecutive stories with one cherry pit - merge the two restaurants into Steak n Shack. 

“McDonald’s Japan had a sweet idea to promote its new summertime McFizz drinks...”

I don’t know if Roth collects trophies, other than NBA Goodwill jerseys of course, but were I him I would have this etched into bronze and hung in a place of prominence in my office:

Thank goodness it was the Raiders and not the Browns who signed Richie Incognito. 

[Owner of an appliance store] “I have lost countless hours of manpower over the last several weeks walking up and down the sidewalk to see if my refrigerators are running away”

And now I’m the idiot crying on the bus ride home. I only read Deadspin for a year or so before Rick left but you’ve done such a great job conjuring him in this article that I felt like I knew him and made me sad that he’s gone. So fuck you, Will. And thank you, and posthumously thank Rick, for Deadspin.

The only emojis you need for the Takeout are

A good sculptor must be able to capture a moment in time, to render an emotion so well that is evident through marble or bronze. The face may convey the thoughts and emotions, the sadness, or pain, glory, or pride the subject was feeling. But this sculptor has unequivocally and masterfully captured Ed Reed thinking…

Don’t get carried too far downstream or you may be drawn to the strait. 

At this point in our dystopia, Heston saying “You blew it up! Damn you all to hell!” is just my brain’s default state.

I was a projectionist and a Dolby came out to check our sound system. I asked him, “Here to check the Dubly?” Nothing. I thought maybe he hadn’t heard me so I said, “Don’t worry, all our amps go to eleven.” Blank look. Unconscionable.  

That sounds nice, but when the horse shits who’s going to rake?