Phantom Planet Jason Schwartzman is my favorite Jason Schwartzman. I also hung around with his little bro Robert Carmine of Rooney/Princess Diaries fame for a while there. They're both dolls but MAJOR playahs.

SORRY I'M NOT SORRY.

The people who are ruining the lives of porn stars are probably ruining the lives of pretty much everyone else too. When they're taking a break from streaming porn, that is.

He lives in the armpit of America. As long as he limits his victims to women and black children he's never going to go to jail. We just have to hope he eventually gets cocky enough to do something to a white man (the one class of person that matters to Floridian juries) if we ever want him to see the inside of a…

I think after being acquitted of killing Trayvon Martin, he's felt untouchable. And it looks like he is.

Johnny Depp and Wayne Coyne are having a WORST MIDLIFE EVAH contest in my lil' old nineties child heart. I'm going to put on a black velvet choker, smoke a clove cigarette, and cry into my Sebadoh albums.

But OMG did he used to be hot.

As a person who got into a weird twitter fight with this lady over her watching 12 years a slave and it causing her to think about how mean people were being to Macklemore, I can attest that she is the goddamn worst.

You know what? All of a sudden I don't care if Kyle MacLachlan does end up solving her murder.

That's enough internet for today. I'm out. Good bye y'all, I'll remember you all in therapy.

Jay Leno as the voice of reason? Boy, this is a low point we've hit.

When Jay Leno has a valid point to make, you know things have gone awry.

Camille, Phylicia, all of you idiot defenders: Wake up! How many woman does this monster have to hurt before you open your eyes and see the truth?

See?! The money, that's all they're af—

I'd say replicating a group of friends social media accounts for years is a mega shit ton weirder than snagging a pic for a fake tinder account. I'd say those things are miles apart on the weird scale.

Hold fast, the statute of limitations will expire soon enough.

Didn't this also happen last year at a McDonald's?

Related: a couple years ago I ordered 2 double cheeseburgers at a BK and they accidentally put 3 in the bag. I didn't return the burger. Whenever I see cops I have to hide my face from them because they're probably looking for me and that burger.

Could she have been prosecuted for NOT returning it? I'd like to think I'm a good person too, but honestly the fear that they'd come after me would be my biggest motivation to return it.