"Well, after being a huge college football star who generated a shitton of income for my university while technically not being paid at all, I'm honored to be part of a system where a bunch of billionaire's toys tell me where I'll be allowed to ply my trade. I humbly ask my franchise and my sponsorship benefactors to…

If there was a period in my life where I was having sex with Rihanna on a frequent basis, I'd probably have hip injuries also.

Dear Watt, I wrote you but you still ain't calling

I'm not sure I'm comfortable with Taylor Swift in the MLB record books, but "most hits in Minute Maid Park history" probably shouldn't be overlooked.

"one asshole is literally calling for the NFL to set up a private legal system"