I’ve mentioned before my weird hobby of watching decades-old NFL games on YouTube. Well, a couple days ago, I found myself rewatching Super Bowl XXIV and giggling like a small child at John Elway’s otherworldly futility in that game.

I repeat, primary this motherfucker.

Sorry, not trying to feed any stereotypes. But war is hell, and I think that’s where we’re headed. Syria x1000.

White guy question here: I’ll be on the front lines with you, shoulder to shoulder. My kids won’t be old enough to be. Can they, like, wear something conspicuous so they won’t be mistaken for Bad White People (of which I know more than a few)?

Is David Arquette too old to play him in the biopic? Because seriously.

Also, “Swim, hen!”

“This is DoorDash for bears” has me coughing up a lung.

The Rams know you’re allowed to play defense, right?

I'd be enjoying this so much more if I had any confidence at all that this ends with Trump and his cronies out on their asses, or better yet, behind bars.

I had the Patriots blowing the doors off the Bills by at least four touchdowns. Maybe there's something to Bill Simmons' old "Milton Berle game" theory.

Swear on my mother’s ashes, I typed “San Diego” first.

I dunno, “Pick whoever is playing the Dolphins” seems pretty sound.

Also, if the goddamn Chargers fuck me in my knockout pool, I’m going to fly to Los Angeles and beat Philip Rivers to death with several of his own children.

You asshole. +1

The Miami Dolphins must be salivating at the prospect of utterly ruining this guy.

That's the sort of bootlicking that raises your draft stock two rounds.

Are you fucking kidding me.

That's the sigh of a man doing the mental arithmetic of how much longer he has to put up with that shit until his kids are out of college or his boat's paid off or something.

Sure, but when I try to help a cyclist like this, they're all "share the road!" and "get back on the pavement!"

Yeah, really. They can do their superstitious bullshit some other time. They have a damn job to do now.