“This is DoorDash for bears” has me coughing up a lung.

The Rams know you’re allowed to play defense, right?

I'd be enjoying this so much more if I had any confidence at all that this ends with Trump and his cronies out on their asses, or better yet, behind bars.

I had the Patriots blowing the doors off the Bills by at least four touchdowns. Maybe there's something to Bill Simmons' old "Milton Berle game" theory.

Swear on my mother’s ashes, I typed “San Diego” first.

I dunno, “Pick whoever is playing the Dolphins” seems pretty sound.

Also, if the goddamn Chargers fuck me in my knockout pool, I’m going to fly to Los Angeles and beat Philip Rivers to death with several of his own children.

You asshole. +1

The Miami Dolphins must be salivating at the prospect of utterly ruining this guy.

That's the sort of bootlicking that raises your draft stock two rounds.

Are you fucking kidding me.

That's the sigh of a man doing the mental arithmetic of how much longer he has to put up with that shit until his kids are out of college or his boat's paid off or something.

Sure, but when I try to help a cyclist like this, they're all "share the road!" and "get back on the pavement!"

Yeah, really. They can do their superstitious bullshit some other time. They have a damn job to do now.

I don’t give a shit if it’s Easter or Yom Kippur or Ramadan or whatever, this is a crisis, and Congress needs to do the jobs they were elected to do right now. As far as meeting with constituents, there’ll be plenty of time to kiss babies and suck up to millionaires in their districts later.

Window seat, duh. Each of the three people crammed in that tiny area get their individual privileges as (very) minor compensation for their discomfort:

Reading this, I felt not schadenfreude, not anger, but... sadness. Not for Trump, of course—no, fuck him and his minions with a hydraulic press, and then fire the pulpy leftovers into the sun—but for the country. There are so many profoundly stupid people in this country who have blindly followed him up to now and…

Reminds me of the time the Eagles swilled pickle juice before going out and trouncing the Cowboys in Texas Stadium when the temperature on the field was like 140°F. Same principle: vinegar = electrolytes

I have no intention of paying a nickel for anything in it, but I’m having a blast with Mario Kart Tour. There aren’t any ads, the controls are fine for a mobile device (what do you want from a game on a tiny touchscreen?), and it has that gorgeous, whimsical visual and audio aesthetic that no one does as well as…

I was sifting through Amazon Prime last night and decided to put the game on right before this happened. I literally thought he might be dead.