To be fair, baseball is really, really important.

Holy shit, that lady even said “Thank you.” What the fuck is happening?

That kid is on the fast-track to being an insufferable Ohio State fan in no time.

Dockers truthers are the fucking worst.

That’s so dumb, the pleats are there for added stretch.

I’d rather watch the women’s world cup. Worst case scenario: you know you’ll only be bored for two hours with soccer.

HOT TAKE AHEAD:

To be fair, Sports Illustrated is not worth a read by people of any gender.

Obvious Spurs fan is obvious.

in what way is this a bicycle kick?

Granted I’m biased, but like... come on.

Uh, except for smashing into the wall at 228 mph. Let me repeat that. HE HIT A FUCKING WALL AT 228 MPH.

1-48. Various Ringtones Preloaded On Phone.

Also an option: have your phone make some sort of normal phone noise, because you're an adult.

Yes. That’s obviously the important thing to remember here.

The future of our country is pretty chill.

Then the bill comes. And once your food coma starts to fully set in and your friends are sitting there in silence because you all have nothing else to talk about

Dear tips@deadspin.com. Please turn this into words on a page so that I can consume it. Sincerely, 85% of your readers.

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Plus you can shove the tortillas up your ass.