“Colin, whether he intended to by his kneeling protest, has become a very controversial, decisive personality.”

“You can have one month out of the year to celebrate your history and culture.”

I mean, what she did was terrible and all, but I’ll give her credit for brining me and my mom closer together. My mom worked as a lab tech for forty years, and we love to goss over each new tidbit that comes out about this crazy lady.

My mom was a guest at a professor’s house. A fellow guest was determined once she saw black faces in her midst to hear an authentic negro spiritual. She excitedly asked my mom if she knew any “chants”. My mom could barely contain herself. From laughing. She replied “Gregorian ones”. My mom was raised Catholic.

She also doesn’t know how facials work.   I bet her husband does though. 

My partner and I got two Thai massages here. We compared after though, and he got a significantly different massage than I did, for the same price.

Then I was told my tip (15%) was too small.

Meh...it’s Chekov. The Seagull shows up in Act 1, everyone thinks The Seagull is gone in Act 2, and then BAM The Seagull kills a dude in Act 3. Pretty standard.

Plus she doesn’t have to spend four hours in makeup every morning to turn her in to a seagull*.

Obligatory:

Broke the barrier.  No longer Virgin.

I bet the pilots were giddily requesting their ground speed readout from ATC, only to be one-upped by some asshole in an SR-71. 

I’ve got a son who wrestles. I did not wrestle as a kid, and neither did anyone in my family, so I had zero experience with wrestling matches, tournaments, etc. until my son developed an interest. The little kid matches are the ones that bring out the worst in the parents. The parents are (1) very concerned for their…

Oh, I’m sure Hillsong is just as accepting of gays as it is of divorced heterosexuals. Totally sure. Like, super super sure.

Jesus! Even more evidence of Russia meddling with our erections.

Do you ever hear Fox News complaining about the War on Sea Org Day? Clearly Jesus has more organizational depth.

Mate. If you want a camel handled in London I can get you a camel handler. Cost you about a monkey, including disposal.

Any salt can be kosher if it’s produced under kosher supervision, but it’s not because of Jewish dietary guidelines that kosher salt got its name. In fact, something labeled “kosher salt” can actually not be kosher at all!

When asked for a comment, Guy Ritchie told the press “Cozballs to this bleeding soggy biscuit! These geezers have been blooming turniped!!” before quickly editing away.